03 Oct What do you want to get out of your relationship?
Make love, not war.
“Where is my princess, the one who will make me whole?”
The first spiritual book I read was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He is a spiritual teacher and his books have been read by millions of people, who like me was inspired to change my life. Tolle says that as long as we are not in contact with the deeper dimension within ourselves, we can only meet people in two ways. Either we are afraid or we want to get something out of the relationship. Fear or desire. This may sound harsch and is difficult to discover, but when you scratch the surface you will notice that it is correct.
When I am unconscious, which fortunately is less common now than before, I also fall into the two categories above. Unconscious thoughts control my behavior:
- Why can’t the cashier speed up? I am in a hurry!
- Now I really want you to listen to me, this is important to Me!
- My business is more important than others, prioritize me in line!
- Why is that man looking at me, I want to be alone!
- I do not like this subject, it is sad / uncomfortable / annoying!
- Why are there so many people here?
These thoughts guide us more than we know. On average every person in the Western world has 60,000 thoughts a day, 80% of those thoughts are the same as yesterday and just as many thoughts are negative. How many of those thoughts are conscious and how many just pop up in the head and decide how we meet each other? Jesus supposedly told us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, but how many do? I guess we need to begin with loving ourselves, otherwise there is no love to give.
Our relations are excellent opportunities for us to grow in this dimension. They reflect how we feel. If our relations are evolving towards more joy, trust, depth and love it is an unequivocal sign that we are developing in a positive direction. We also see each other’s egotistical behavior much clearer than our own, and that way we can help each other to become better people. My teacher sometimes ask the audience how long it takes before you can see if your partner is in a good or bad mood. “A second or two,” most answer. It is clearly visible. But the partner is often unaware of the energy that he / she has in the body and thus sends out. No one consciously chooses to be unhappy, so we need to help each other to become aware.
In my tantric tradition, we regularly point out each other’s egoistic behavior patterns, to help each other grow. I have received quite tough ego-feedback, but it has been constructive. Sure, initially I felt resistance to become more generous, to help people, to do a good deed that nobody finds out and be more curious about others. (See My Practice under About me). But our universe seems to be constituted so that we get back at least as much as we give. This is obviously something you’ve heard before, but few of us live to give. For my part, I have got more money the more generous I have become and I also have more love and flow in life since I started giving more of myself and listen less to the Egoic voice in the head. I certainly am no saint yet, but at least I can say it seems to work! 😀
My one year younger sister is a mother of two and I admire how she over and over sacrifice herself and her desires, to give her children what they need. This seems to happen to some parents when they get children, the center of attention moves and you are (hopefully) not the most important thing in the world anymore. Obviously this is healthy and weakens the Ego, but surely we do not need to have children to learn this? Just do the opposite of the habitual behavior, start giving and stop taking.
There are friends around me who practice unconditional love on a quite high level. It is very stimulating to see what it can mean for an intimate relationship. Couples who have been together for a long time still have that sparkle in their eyes, as if they were teenagers in love. There is also much to discover by experimenting with each others masculine and feminine side. Firstly, it provides a completely different passion in the relationship, but it also increases the understanding of each other. Even if you do not have a partner now it must be better to learn to be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, instead of waiting for “the one” to show up and make us whole. There are so many exciting things to learn about how we can improve our way of relating to each other, but it does not happen by itself. Become the partner you dream about and the proposers will stand in line! I am not a relationship expert, but I have met teachers and others who have given me completely new insights. If you are curious to learn about what I see as the relationships of the future, I can recommend you to read the longer publication under Subject – Relations and read about the 3rd stage relationship in the Dictionary. Some things are quite crazy, but they make sense in a weird way. Read and judge for yourself.