03 Nov Husbanding creates more polarity and intimacy in the relation
Josefine with a mutual friend on the Swedish west coast. With a confident masculine base, the feminine can relax and blossom.
When I look back on my relationships, I conclude that sure we had our moments, but there was also a lot that was not working. Should I be self-critical, I can say that I often looked to what I wanted to get out of the relationship, rather than what I could give. Romantic movie or football? Hmm – Football! Holiday at the spa or adventure trip in the mountains? Aaaa – mountains! Discuss feelings and relationships or party with the boys? Yes, you can probably guess. My point is not that you should ignore your personal interests, rather to give example of how I acted egoistic. Moreover, I had no idea of how to create polarity in the relationship, instead we tried as many couples do, to become best friends. Best friends are usually not attracted to each other.
The author David Deida has written some very intelligent books about relationships and sexuality, he is one of the world’s foremost experts in the field. He was also my teacher’s teacher for several years. Last winter I was in Bali and one day Josefine (who I was staying with) and I decided to test Deida’s 3rd stage practice. We are good friends and create nice energy between us, but no polarity to talk about. Furthermore, she is an intelligent and determined young lady, who are reluctant to give up control. According to the tantric view both men and women have a masculine and a feminine side, but generally men like to be in their masculine energy a greater part of the time and the women in their feminine. During this day, I would do masculine practice and thereby “husband” Josefine, who in turn had to practice trust and openness from her feminine side. Husbanding means being clear, present, and (hold on to your butts now feminists ;)) make all the decisions. It may sound strange, but it is not about the old-fashioned selfish and abusive male chauvinist. On the contrary, husbanding means to always try to make the decision which is the most loving toward the feminine, so she can relax, enjoy the present and open up. When husbanding you do not have to do everything yourself, you can delegate to the feminine in a clear and affectionate way. It is also possible to switch roles to increase understanding of each other, so-called reverse polarity. The important thing is that one is leading and the other following, a bit like being an adult and a child again.
I was quite nervous because I did not want to do make Josefine disappointed. I was hoping this day would be a nice experience for her, since she was a little skeptical of my tantric tradition and its methods. Everything was planned with morning yoga, motorcycle to a beach, lunch, massage and then dinner at one of her favorite restaurants. She had no idea what would happen, but only received instructions on what clothes to wear and what to bring. Obviously, she was to sit on the back of my motorcycle instead of, as usual, drive her own. Wherever we went, I led her by going first and in the beginning it felt awkward for both of us. In the afternoon Josefine began to relax more and more, and this made me feel stronger in my masculine. I did my best to make sure she had everything she needed. Everything was going great until I managed to overturning the motorcycle in a steep downslope. DAMN! Was all trust gone now? Well, we barely had barely steerageway and made it unharmed so the slightly shocked feminine beauty back there was still happy.
We took the practice all the way and at dinner I tried for the third time that day to figure out which food and drink she would ideally like to have. Herself she sat opposite shining like an expectant child. Over the dinner she told me that it’d been a fantastic day and that once she got into it, it was wonderfully relaxing not having to think about anything. I was so happy and grateful to hear that. It was the first time I tried this method, it seemed to work and although it was hard, it is clearly worth the trouble to see the feminine glowing as she was this evening. Josefine and I do not have a sexual relationship, but it was still clear that this day created a more exciting energy between us. In a way, it was also nice to concentrate on someone else, to forget myself with my problems is a spiritual practice in itself.
When I woke up the day after, I was happy and relaxed. It was a deeper satisfaction than I’ve felt in a long time. For me it was obvious that yesterday’s practice, being so present and caring with another human being had done the trick. Also Josefine was in great spirit where she sat by the poolside with the breakfast in her lap.
PS. Josefine has a blog in swedish where she writes about yoga, health and spiritualism. Click here to get there.