02 Jan Not so sexy to “mother” your boyfriend
In many relationships it does not seem to be too much of excitement, attraction and “sexy times” (like Borat was talking about). Perhaps it was juicier during the honeymoon period and occasionally the attraction returns during a vacation in the sun, but generally it decreases over the years. This is something I have discussed earlier in the blog and for instance husbanding (read here) is a great tool to regain polarity and hence the lost spark. In this post I will tell you about an obstacle called “mothering” that, according to my mentors, most couples face in their relationships. For me I got to witness it first hand during a week in Cambodia when a girl from my tantric tradition was visiting me. She is also from Sweden and the same age as me.
The setup was perfect. Both being sexually de-conditioned (having worked through sexual blockages such as shame and fear) and also properly sexually educated in the tantric tradition. Furthermore it was nice warm weather, sunshine, beaches and plenty of time. I was expecting A LOT of sexy times. It also started out great, the first night she arrived we really went for it. She dominated Erika (that is my feminine side, you will get to know her more later on) – and then subsequently me dominating her both playfully and with force. We probably had sex for at least three hours the first night and it was great.
However during the week that followed I found myself getting less and less attracted to her and after a few days I could hardly get a hard on. My feminine was still interested in being dominated, but I felt no masculine attraction to dominate her whatsoever. What the hell happened? Luckily Bea Dominic, the tantric teacher who wrote this guest blog post was there to see our interaction. First she said discretely that a normal problem is that women “mother” their men. We heard this but did not get the hint. How stupid can I be? Then she started saying it more clearly and all of a sudden I got it! I began listening for signs of this girl talking to me like I was her child. And my god, she did it all the time! Perhaps 50% of the times she addressed me. It came in different, often subtle ways. Sometimes like she was really caring about me, but still talking to me like I was a bit stupid and helpless. Sometimes it was straighter like a parent lecturing me. No wonder I lost my mojo! It was really unsexy. She was also chocked to notice this and here are some of her thoughts:
Me mothering Babyface was of course unconscious, but why did I do it? I mean we are just friends. After 5-6 days we both started to glimpse what was going on – how I slowly started ”mothering” him. The signs weren’t that big but still big enough to trace. At first we both sensed that something felt a bit awkward. After a couple of days together we didn’t laugh as much as the first days nor did we have as much sex (I mean the first nights sex was absolutely mind-blowing). I started feeling very quiet and empty inside. The words that came out of my mouth were stiff and boring, which usually doesn’t happen with friends or lovers. I felt I slipped into a spell of bad self-confidence that probably triggered my mothering behaviour in a weird way. One conclusion is that when I feel I lose control I also lose my spontaneous happy “me” and I start to act weird and controlling.
Let’s explore where this comes from. I´m 33 years old and until just six months ago I`ve been living with my now 11 year old son, who now lives with his dad in Germany. I´m very used to doing everything on my own. It’s quicker that way and I constantly feel that everything is under control. I have basically never felt that a man is “man enough” to take me and make my feel relaxed. I’m sure many of you, both men and women who read this, know what I am talking about. I get annoyed and bored by this typical Swedish soft man. I just wanna scream at him “come on just take me, grab me, impress me, make me feel: DAMN-YES-WOW!”. But how easy is that for a man when the woman at an early stage has taken the control and made him doubt his own “grizzly” masculinity? Anyway, what I wanted to declare was that I’m quite sure that my behaviour is based on my experiences from my early childhood. Like most of us I was also taken care of by a mother and heard comments like ”don’t forget your warm jacket”, “watch out for this and that”, and “please be careful when you jump on the boat”. This is the behaviour I have copied with my own son and apparently I also do it with men I date. It is so unsexy and stupid and I have done it my whole life! Of course there is nothing wrong about informing your partner of your opinion, but why do it from the perspective of playing his mother?
So there you got the woman’s perspective. Of course I realise it is my responsibility to respond and not to accept any woman mothering me. I am no victim. So it goes both ways. I guess this is very common, because men are unconsciously looking for a mother figure to give them the full unconditional love hardly anyone got when growing up. Then we start playing more stupid then we are, letting the woman discretely dominate us instead of stepping up as men and taking her lovingly but firmly. Women on their hand want to feel that they are needed. So the result is a man feeling guilty and as I noticed during the week, also feeling smaller. The women hence wonder and complain; “where all the deep, real men?” Well, they just made little baby boys of their boyfriends. No wonder sexual attraction is going down the drain.
The good news is that as soon as we realised the pattern I became very alert and did not let her mother me at all. All of a sudden I was on top of things, with the only challenge to not be too judging and hard when pointing out her unconscious mother-like comments. I tried to do it in a humours way, even though I felt how much frustration there was in me for putting up with this for so many days. The last night we were back in business. I had a lot of up built anger that I used in a constructive way in bed, rather making her my little girl than the other way around. It was sexy as hell and we both enjoyed it. What a great learning for both of us! So I tell you, please look up for this. According to my mentors as many as 90% of couples in western countries suffer from this “2nd stage behaviour”. (See 3rd stage relationship in the Dictionary)