07 Jan Where is the spiritual journey taking me?
Babyface, (or Erika), celebrating Christmas in a nice dress. The spiritual journey surely has brought some new, interesting habits.
The last week over New Year I have spent with a couple of good friends from my earlier life, before starting my spiritual journey, and their friends. It has been “boys-time” in Shanghai and on Bali. We have been working out, having nice dinners, partying, surfing and talking about work and life. This is part of my new life where I alternate between spending time with my new friends in the spiritual world and my old friends. I really enjoy both environments, each giving me an unique flavor. I also feel it is important for me personally to not loose touch with “normal” people. Insights I have received in the spiritual world feel deep and are important to me, but I believe they have little value if I am not able to “live them” among others. Therefore I value the time I spend with my old friends. Some of them are curious about my new life and those are the ones I get closer to. Our friendship is growing deeper and we have at least as much fun as before.
Clearly I have changed, I feel it myself and my friends say it too. For instance I was very restless before, which is not the case any longer and I have also been told I move my body differently today, being more smooth. Some things have not changed though. I am still totally loosing myself, just like my friends are, when a hot girl walks by. We could be having an intellectual discussion about the real estate market in Cambodia, meditation or politics in Russia – but when that sexy and tanned girl walk by with her surfing board we are immediately transformed into mute, staring gorillas. After a few seconds our brain activity seems to kick in again, but the former discussion is long gone. Instead we go:
“Oh my God, did you see her?!” … “Yeah, I say her first – she’s mine!” … “No way, you are already too drunk to even talk to her. Remember how you screwed up last night?” … “Hah! Not even close to you, trying to make out with that bartender!”
It is irony and sarcasm and this week I have really enjoyed being a bit like a teenager in high school again. Just like I still have the child alive in me, the teenager is alive as well and a potential source of joy.
Another beautiful thing is that my friends seem to care a lot for me. They want to make sure I do not loose myself in my spiritual journey and I notice they can give me some constructive feedback if I am humble and inquiring enough to take it in. Their questions about my new view on life also make me see things from another perspective. To me it seems like some of my old friends also are thinking about going deeper into the spiritual world, but they are a bit afraid about what they will find and how that is going to change them and their life. Therefore they check how I am changing. I believe I am getting more real, but it is not happening without things that may appear as sacrifices.
For instance I have lost interest in things that before seemed important. When I perceive discussions are getting very “intellectual”, where only the heads are involved for longer periods of time, I often zoom out. This because too much mental activity nowadays seem like driving lap after lag in a round about and it actually gives me a physical headache. I rather meditate, feel my body or enjoy the environment around me. This is something my friends can experience as me not being interested in their affairs. However I am very interested in them as human beings. How they feel about their lives, their relationships and their purpose on earth. But I am generally not any longer that interested in the structure of their business deal, or comparing TV-shows or cars. A few years ago I was, now I am not. Loosing interest in worldly things, but still being curious about the world is something I find tricky. I wish to balance between being true to myself and also making sure I genuinely care about others.
I cannot lie though. I am more interested in the matters I write about in the blog. When subjects like self-discovery, relations, sex and spirituality’s effect on society are discussed I get very much involved. And it seems others are intrigued by these topics too, as long as they are not getting afraid. No one is being indifferent when sex is discussed. Some people get offended, some get nervous, some feel sad they are missing out and some simply get absorbed and excited. Sex matters to all of us and it can be both healing and energizing, colouring ones whole life. Why would that be shallow or less worthy than debating global warming?
But of course I also question myself and ask myself what the hell I am doing from time to time. It has now been more than a year since I left the full time job in the business world. Overall I feel much more peace and love and I also feel more real. Am I also happier? That question makes me think about my father. When he senses I am digging too much in the psyche he can say something like: “I believe that I am happy, so I don’t want to know if I am not”. This is a very interesting and fare point. There was a time in life, before I started to ask questions like; “what is the meaning of this” or “where do all these feelings come from”. I was more ignorant (nothing wrong with that). Of course I had good times with good friends, but I see now that my perception on my life then was almost totally dependent on what I was telling myself in my head. I was telling myself I was having fun, that I was not lonely, that my job was important and that people liked me. I cannot say for sure that I am happier now, but I strongly believe so. The laughs are more genuine.
In one way I feel lonelier now compared to before. To me one part of the spiritual journey is realizing that we are like Osho says; “born alone, we live alone and we die alone”. At times when I undergo changes I can feel I don’t really belong anywhere. But if I compare my relations today with earlier in my life the connection and eye contact is deeper now. It sounds like a contradiction. Feeling more alone, but sometimes getting closer to others – but that is how I perceive what is happening. Gradually I believe less and less in me being a person residing behind my eyes. The gradual process of letting go of the “self” has been scary, but I believe I have reached a point where it feels more like a relief. The problems disappear when the self disappears, but the experience of life with all its beauty is still there. It is peaceful and I enjoy being alone much more now compared to before.
These are a few thoughts about where I am and where I am going, in the middle of a journey I call spiritual. I thank you for reading. It warms my heart that you care about this. Thank you.