30 Jan Ideas to get more love and less fear in the relationship
Once again, I am no relationship expert, but I have such people around me and I also have some experience myself. I have had five relationships in my life, the shortest one lasted 5 months and the longest 3,5 years. In most of them jealousy and desire for others was an on and off problem, depending on how close we were at the time. I will give you an example on how it can look from my experience.
A couple has been together for two years, the sex life may still be alright or it is not good at all. Anyway it is not as good as during the honeymoon period.
Friday for the woman:
A charming and good-looking guy at work has been flirting with her for some time and now he asks her out for dinner. She is flattered and tempted and he can really feel the connection. She is saying No because she has a boyfriend, but her body language is telling him to keep on flirting. (“This is still ok”, she is telling herself, but somewhere having a bad feeling)
Friday for the man:
He is going out partying with his male friends and gets a connection with a cute girl. She is younger than his girlfriend. He is very attracted and does not mention his girlfriend for two hours while talking. However he is also hesitating, which makes this girl even more interested, since he is not trying to get her home the same night. They exchange numbers. (“I have not done anything wrong”, he thinks, but is a bit frustrated he cannot just go home and have sex)
On the Sunday:
- The couple is out for a Sunday walk. A very hot man is jogging by, definitely more good looking than the boyfriend, and he is looking at the girlfriend. The conversation die. The boyfriend is getting a bit stiff, secretly checking his girlfriend. She also gets stiff and her gaze becomes fixed in the distant, making sure she is NOT looking at the hot jogger. (Her thoughts: “OMG he is hot, I must not show a sign to reveal my thoughts!”)
- Then two 20-year old hot girls are walking by in training clothes. The boyfriend can’t help himself (we are not as smooth/aware as women). His brain activity ceases for three seconds and he is staring. (Perhaps two thoughts; “Young, Tight”). Then he wakes up and snaps back. She notices what just happened (of course), but does not say anything. Just getting irritated
What is all this? My mentor calls it “Fear-based Monogamy”. I’ll try to analyze it a bit, please excuse me for generalizing:
- The couple like each other (we hope), and have therefore decided; “We are together”, which means you have a lot of unexpressed Rules. His Rules never match Her Rules, because most of them are not even talked about. Instead we assume the other to somehow telepathically know what we are expecting of them. One of the Rules that both know is that they are not allowed to have sex with others. Probably not kiss either, but hugging is ok. But not if the hugging is done in a sofa and not if the hugging is with someone you are attracted to … You see how complicated it gets.
- The Rule to not do anything with another one is established because; “I cannot emotionally handle if my partner was sexual with another. Perhaps I cannot even handle that he/she wants to, so I don’t even want to talk about it”. So the Rule is based on fear and ownership, the unconscious need to control the other as if he/she was a possession.
- Since both feel the same about this they can agree to be faithful – without actually being clear to each other OR sometimes even to oneself about the actual reason
- Some would argue that the Rule is to hold the relationship together, but Common – Really? Is that the main reason if you are Really Honest with yourself – are you emotionally ok with your partner enjoying her-/himself sexually with another? And besides, do you want a Rule to hold your relationship together? Would it not be nicer if love were holding the relationship together?
“Love-based Monogamy” is a different story. Perhaps you are one of those who are really attracted to your partner, year after year. The sex life is very fulfilling, you feel love when you go to bed and you feel love in the morning. Your trust is deep since you know everything about each other, including your secret sexual fantasies. You don’t have any need for another. Congratulations, according to my teachers you are part of a vast minority.
This is very unusual and it seems almost impossible to get there without dealing with our expectations on the other, and also with our fear of being abandoned and not being good enough. These fears generally go back to childhood, but that is another story for another post. Here are few examples I have picked up about what we can do to turn it around:
- 1) Write down all your expectations on each other in this relationship. Be very precise about what is being unfaithful and what is on the right side of the line. Compare and discuss
- 2) A couple I know have a ritual once a year. They sit down together writing a list on all people they honestly want to have sex with. Challenging for the Ego of course, but bringing honesty and letting go of pressure. This has helped them to get closer together and also fuelled their sex life
- 3) Confess ALL you sexual fantasies. In the end they are just fantasies, nothing you can do about it anyway. This is very rare, but think about it! How close are you really if you cannot even talk about your sexual fantasies with the only one you are allowed to have sex with?! This will for sure spice up your sex life
- 4) For the crazy and brave ones who would like something more drastic and are willing to really burn every last piece of jealousy; Invite a third person or another couple to your bedroom
What this should lead to is that you get to know your partner much better, you don’t have to keep secrets for each other, you can trust each other deeper and you may even get to live out your sexual fantasies so they let go of you. You will probably get a much more interesting sex life together. Now unconscious fear is not what is preventing you from doing anything “bad”. You are transparent with yourself and your partner, you feel free of jealousy and love is the binding force between you. The couple can look at the hot jogging man together and discuss his muscles. Of course a man can appreciate that too without being gay. And they can both appreciate the young female energy of the two girls. Instead of acting weird, pretending not being interested, creating a barrier in the relationship and getting annoyed with each other. Instead of letting the Ego create separation.
In the past year I have dated a girl and we have tried this out. Instead of rushing into determining we are together, we have tested this practice from different angels for over six months – without promising to not do anything with someone else. It has been challenging from time to time, but we have really got to know each other deeply and the trust is greater than in any other relationship I have experienced before. It is total transparency, total freedom and a lot of love too. Love without as much expectations as before. Maybe it will grow into something else, who knows? If it happens I hope it will be natural, not because it is the standard model of society which friends and family are expecting. I can recommend the practice with all my heart.
Do you have any experience about this? Feel free to share/comment below. There is also more to read about Relationships on the blog, see Subject – Relations.