18 Feb Do I need to have sex with many different partners?
A beer bottle I found in a bar while skiing in Utah, USA – the centre of the mormons.
Quite often I get the question if tantra is about having sex with many different partners. Sometimes it is not even a question, more like a statement; “I don´t feel like sleeping around or having group sex”, some say. I seriously wonder where I have written or to whom I have said that tantra is about group sex? If anybody can please enlighten me about this it would be great.
Back to the question. Is there a need for changing sexual partners or perhaps even having group sex? My answer is… Of course there is need! Everybody should go for it, it’s great! How boring would not life be otherwise and people not being open for this are boring sissies.
OK, for the one’s who didn’t get it… The above was a joke. It is just my boring sense of humour. Tantra and tantric sex has nothing to do with group sex or changing partners the whole time. (Look in the Dictionary if you’d like). But of course you can still have tantric sex with multiple partners, just like you can have regular sex with multiple partners. There is simply no difference. Everybody can do exactly what he or she feels like. (As long as you don’t have any religious ideas or something like that).
I have heard many things about tantra and I would like to share a couple of them that I believe in. When tantra first came around people were much more sexually relaxed compared to today. There was no shame and fear around sex and so these people used the sexual energy to go higher and higher – even to Enlightenment. According to the legend these people did not worry about being heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual or any of those labels. They just enjoyed. I guess they were also better in bed compared to the modern man…
Another thing I have heard about tantra in the olden days of India, was that a man and woman who practiced true tantra (to transcend the Ego), got so deeply in love with each other so they had no need or longing to be with anybody else for the rest of their lives. If one of the partners died, the other one would not look for anybody else. According to this source this tantric practice is the source of and role model for the modern marriage. There is just one problem today. We have copied the structure, promising each other to “love each other till death do us apart.” But hardly anyone knows anything about the ancient tantric unconditional love practice, so the words are quite empty and hence today divorce is more common than lasting love.
I believe both the above legends are true. That in a sexually liberated society of the past some choose to go very deep in love based monogamy and others enjoyed polygamous open relationships, also in love. No shame no blame.
I find it interesting that so many today seem to be fixated with group sex and polygamy. Some people are actually openly interested, but it seems to be more common with people judging it. Perhaps some are secretly longing for adventures, but do not dare or are not allowed. Personally I believe in living out sexual fantasies, or at least being honest about them. Also in a relationship this can bring couples closer to each other, like I wrote about in the post “Ever experienced jealousy in your relationship?”. Honesty about sex is quite rare today, it surely is a sensitive subject.
Master Dhyan Vimal who I visited earlier this winter (read here), told me that what we are all looking for is union. To get rid of this feeling of being separated from each other and from our beloved. Sex in itself cannot give us this union Vimal said. But of course you can have sex while being in love union and I believe tantric sex has this capacity, whereas sex towards a goal (peak orgasm) probably do not have this capacity. Vimal even took it as far as saying that sex without respect is actually a kind of psychological rape. That is a quite strong statement and my take is that everything is ok as long as both parties agree on it. Which hopefully means they respect each other. 🙂
This makes me think about porn. It is almost 2,5 years since I quit watching porn. It simply does not turn me on anymore. A few weeks ago I decided to look at a porn film again, just to see how it would affect me. The girl was hot as hell and so was the guy fucking her from behind. I looked for a few minutes, feeling my body. I did not get horny. “Why don’t I get turned on, the girl is really good looking”, I thought to myself. Then it struck me. They had no connection what so ever. He was using her as something to jerk off into and she was going into herself, closing her eyes and moaning. It was not a bad porn movie, it was actually higher standard than most I have seen. But true connection is very rare in sex today, also in real life. I know this quite well from my own sex life.
I have had some crazy sexual experiences since I started with tantra and some of them I am likely to share here on the blog. This has made me much more sexually relaxed and it has also broadened my perspective. I know now it is possible to have deep love connection between more than two people at once, also in a sexual context. It is however very rare. I am grateful for my experiences and do not feel any urge to do crazy sexual things anymore. As a matter of fact I hardly ever fantasize about sex nowadays, but when the energy and connection is there I am ready.
This connection is getting more and more important to me. Almost like I cannot get attracted any longer if there is no connection and I find it almost impossible to take part in the games many play to gain control and get others interested. I see the games all around me when going out partying and it is not long ago since I was in the middle of it. Today it seems easier for me to get a deep connection with one woman who I trust and who also trusts me and that is the sex I enjoy the most. But I will never claim that is the only way. As long as there is honesty, flow and connection – why not enjoy?