26 Feb Two years ago this would have made me crazy jealous!
This story may sound a bit extreme to some and I guess there is a risk for misunderstanding it, but all I can do is to tell it as honestly as possible.
In my past relationship I don’t think I was unusually jealous, I believe one thing that helped me was confessing to my girlfriends that it was hard for me if they found someone else attractive. But I was still struggling with jealousy. When some hot bartender was hitting on her, or when that working colleague who was so smart invited her out for dinner, or in the end of the relationships when I knew she’d be available to all those men out there. The jealous feeling was really hard to handle. It made me feel needy, weak and frustrated – doubting my sexuality and manhood. Of course this was not attractive from the woman’s perspective.
The spiritual journey and especially the tantric part of it seem to have changed my life quite a bit. I have been learning theory and doing exercises in workshops and now when life is testing me, the result is sometimes quite amazing. I guess I’ll better just give you the story.
I have been dating a girl for some time, we can call her Anna, and we have a great time together. Apart from having wonderful sex and fun together there is also intimacy and we tell each other everything. We have not yet promised each other to not do anything sexual with another one, instead each one is free to do whatever we feel like. If anything happens we always talk about it.
Last week I was away skiing in the Alps and Anna was back home in Sweden. It was quite a long time since I had sex with someone else, probably because I need to feel flow and connection like I wrote in the previous post. When I went out partying in the ski resort I got quite a lot of attention, often from young girls. It was tempting, very tempting! What is it about young girls? They sure make us 30+ men go nuts in our heads. 😉
Anyway this time I did not really try to get any of them home to me, two years ago I would have tried like hell – but something has changed a bit. Then I flew home on the Saturday and there was another young hot girl in Stockholm that wanted to meet up that night to “talk about tantra”. It would have been perfect timing, Anna was out of town to party with some friends and we would not see each other until Sunday evening.
But I turned down this opportunity too. Really unlike the old Babyface! Why? Many reasons, but in short I can say that – even though I was tempted and feeling more and more built up horny energy in my body – I still felt it was not worth it. Anna has had a quite tough ride since she met me with all “Ego-confronting” work that I do. What this means in plain English is that dating me has forced her to increase her comfort zone quite a bit. I felt I wanted to prioritize her and the days we had together, instead of going for fulfilling my own desires.
Then when Anna came home Sunday night we practiced this new thing with not talking away the strong feeling of seeing each other after some time. We just lay in bed hugging for maybe 10-15 minutes, just letting our energies familiarize themselves with each other. We were calming down, then love entered into our consciousness and all of a sudden there was a little jolt of sexual energy and we went with it. I could feel a tiny bit of hesitation in her, but I tried to be as present as possible instead and the sex was beautiful and horny at the same time. Afterwards we stayed in bed talking about the past days. I had a feeling something had happened and the intuition was right.
She had had a great party last night, dancing for hours and hours with her friends and having flirty energy with an attractive Swedish actor. She had a bit mixed feelings about whether to join him to his hotel room. Since she started dating me 8 months ago, she had not had sex with anyone but me. But there was flow in this meeting, she was attracted and she knew that I want to practice to “not own the other” and transcend jealousy. So she spent the night with this actor…
I was lying there in bed, listening closely and constantly feeling my body for reactions. Not letting any emotions turning into stories in my head such as “how could she”, or “why did I not have sex with those young girls when I had the chance”, or “maybe this actor was better than me in bed or had a larger dick”. I just waited till the end of the story. This kind of practice was not new to me, but each situation is unique and you never know how you or the other will react. I was present and checking myself…
I did not feel jealous or worried at all. What a great relief!! Two years ago this story would have almost killed me! And I would probably have called the young girl right away to take revenge. But there was no need this time. This relief made me very happy.
Anna was a bit surprised that I was not getting angry or sad or whatever, she had been a bit nervous to tell me all this. I guess that some readers now have the impression that I did not get jealous because I am not really in love, that I don’t care that much about Anna. But that is not my picture at all. All I can do is compare with my previous life before doing real Ego-transcending practice. Back then I was more “normal”. Like I said, only two years ago this story would have made me feel frustrated, sad, worried for my manhood and I would probably have taken revenge on Anna both consciously and unconsciously for days, maybe even weeks. What happened now instead was that we talked for an hour about the whole situation and then Anna and I had maybe the best sex we ever had. I used all the built up energy to really take her hard. Kind of punishing her for being such a “disobedient girl”, but in a connected way – where we played together with the energies. I am no superman and of course I was effected by the whole situation, but I really felt I could get it out in a sexy and serving way in bed. I went between punishing her and kissing her, making her “my little girl”. While the overload of energy in my system gradually relaxed I could feel my heart opening more and more in love. It felt clean, it was beautiful, it was liberation and I felt so happy.
So what the hell is all this? Probably some will misunderstand, maybe because I cannot really tell the whole story in the smartest way, but I’ll try to sum it up with a few points:
- I felt Anna was being clean in what she had done. It was not something planned, the man did not know me or anything like that which could have given it a unclean, annoying feeling
- I really want to practice unconditional love. That means to love regardless of what the other one does. In the end I know Anna having her little adventure has nothing to do with me, just like me being turned on by young girls has nothing to do with Anna. I want to get rid of all kind of ownership and need to control the other
- To step by step let go of my Ego is the most important thing to me. This challenge was therefore an opportunity, rather than a threat. I could closely watch my reactions and see that the practice is working. I am not any longer jealous like I was. I am not a slave to my own emotions like I was, instead I feel stronger in myself
Think about it yourself. How much do you care if your ex-boyfriend / girlfriend since five years ago sleep with someone else? Not much I guess. But when you were together it probably would have meant a great deal. Then there is this story about “You are mine and I am yours”. Of course there could be something romantic about this, but only if it is based on love without trace of ownership. I believe this is very rare today.
This post became quite long, but just one last thing. I do not have the intention of having a long time relationship where both parties are having sex with others on a regular basis. I don’t believe that is serving for going deep together. But I do believe that the story I just described helped me transcending jealousy and showing Anna I want her to be free and happy, rather then controlling her because I cannot handle the jealousy. So far this new crazy practice is working, at least for us. I feel freer and less dependent than ever before and simultaneously there is a lot of love in my life. Anna and I are getting closer and closer, which is of course the whole point. One day the love may be so deep there is no interest at all in doing anything with someone else, but then we both know that choice is based on love and not based on fear and ownership/control. I especially want to thank my tantric teachers for this.