Being heterosexual or homosexual is only a thought


Antique painting from Roman Pompeji. 

When I went to my first tantric workshop I was very certain that I was heterosexual. I had only had sex with girls and I had been in several relationships where I had been in love just like any other young man. I went to the workshop to learn about sex and saw it as a natural step on my spiritual journey, where I step by step try to undo my Ego. “Have a good time, be better in bed and maybe find a nice girl”, such were my thoughts before the workshop. Little did I know how deep the rabbit whole seems to go…

Have you heard about “The Work” by Byron Katie? She is a, most likely, enlightened woman who teaches to question your thoughts. All of us believe our thoughts and that is why we suffer. The story of where we come from, what values we have, what is right and wrong and so on. It is just a bunch of thoughts in our head. They are not Reality itself and they also change the whole time. When meditation happens there are no thoughts, the mind is silent and we can finally see the world as it is – without labels. This is not an intellectual concept which also consists of thoughts, but a realisation. Either you have consciously experienced it or not, the masters say.

The state is kind of mind-blowing, since it is beyond the mind. Everything we think we know is just an illusion once we start to scratch the surface, and philosophers have long ago established there is nothing we know for sure except that we experience. I am is still a quite new spiritual practitioner and I find new implications of this the whole time.

I am just going to recklessly throw this statement out, and then do my best to save my ass by arguing for it. Homosexuality and heterosexuality is just an illusion. They are only labels of human behaviour where we, others and society place ourselves in imaginary groups. Most of us identify with being heterosexual, but about 10% identify equally strongly with being homosexual. “That is who I am. I may even get upset if you question this!”, many seem to reason.

When I worked as CEO of a real estate company I had a colleague who once said that he was certain everybody was bisexual. I remember the statement as interesting, especially from a businessman with a heterosexual behaviour. But I did not think more about it. Now after attending and assisting many tantric workshops, seeing hundreds and hundreds of people break their conditioning around their sexuality, I must say that I agree with my former colleague. At least in not choosing this or that.


Ancient Greek drinking-cup, c. 510 BCE (Louvre). During these days bisexuality was considered normal. Did they have different genes, or did they perhaps just have a more relaxed attitude towards sex? 

According to surveys most kids play sexually with both genders when they are small, before they are told what is right and wrong. They are not thinking about it, they are spontaneous. When the head is not judging anything the natural takes over, the body takes over. It feels good to hug someone who smells good, is relaxed and open, regardless of gender. The body likes the intimacy. If there are no thoughts about it, a horny body is attracted to another horny body. This may sound animalistic, perhaps some even get disgusted about it? Once again, those are only judging thoughts in the head.

What creates attraction in all relationship is polarity, polarity between masculine and feminine. Gays perhaps know this better than straight people. In a gay couple one is always top and the other bottom, active-passive, giver-receiver. If there is no polarity there is no attraction, which is often the case in the classical 2nd stage heterosexual relationship of the western world. (See 3rd stage relationship in Dictionary). Both men and women have a masculine and a feminine side and experience have shown me that we can all go much deeper in both these aspects. A body in the feminine energy will be attracted to a body that is in the masculine energy. If there is no story of right and wrong, no fear and judgement, gender won’t be an obstacle. Why should it?


Ok, I really don’t want to advertise group sex. I love “normal” heterosexual sex – it is my general choice, but the sculpture was nice i think 😉

OK I know this could be provocative, but please be open. It is simply more fun that way. Think about it. The nerves that give pleasure run from your sex to your brain. Imagine you don’t have a personal history – not even a name, no idea about what is accepted by your parents, no idea about sexual preference. If you close your eyes and do not know who gives you pleasure, is it not more important if that person has a good touch rather than being man or a woman? Of course the thought of it being a woman feels better to the man who has the opinion that he is heterosexual. But that is a thought. Like Byron Katie says; “Ask yourself who you would be without that thought”…

In my tantric tradition they have invented the term “hetero-flexible”. That is what I say about myself if someone asks. I am a man with a dominant masculine side and that side of me is generally attracted to the feminine in a woman. There seems to be some biological factor too, which probably includes smell as well.  My feminine side is attracted to the masculine energy and the “girl in me” loves it when women dominate me, but she has no problem with men doing it either – as long as they are confident, present and relaxed about it. Generally I still prefer women (hence the “hetero-“), but I am not homophobic anymore and that is a relaxation (hence the “flexible”).

Let’s take it one step further, with the risk of being sent to a mental hospital. It is convenient to choose to believe the thought that we are heterosexual, but as argued above I believe almost any heterosexual can be turned on by a very hot person of the same sex – as long as the polarity is there. Furthermore I believe almost any homosexual can be turned on by a very hot person of the opposite sex. Some boys grow up with a predominantly feminine side. This does not make them gay in a tantric perspective, it just means they are more into being submissive than to dominate – even though they can enjoy both. But boys like this are judged by society as different and of course they must be labelled. Society is crazy about labelling humans, whether it is HBTQ, ADHD or something else. So these boys create an identity of being gays, now that is who they are. Once again, these are only thoughts. A very masculine woman with bad experiences of men may find it a relief to create an identity as lesbian. But I strongly believe, foremost based on what I have seen with my own eyes, that if she really transcended her thoughts about sexual preference, she could get turned on by dominating a feminine man. Or if she dared to surrender into her feminine, she could get turned on by a masculine man.

What is the point of this? For me it is all about stop labelling and enjoy our sexuality, without judgement, shame and fear. Of course it is not important to fuck around with different genders. But to drop the firm belief of who we are and what is right and wrong creates relaxation, openness, tolerance and – a more exciting life! I believe this is the way of the future and it seems like it is already happening in some developed parts of the world. Especially among the young who have not cemented their thoughts for so long. An obvious example of a country fighting against this is Russia. What direction do you want to choose?

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  • Martina
    Posted at 13:03h, 23 April

    I think that Michael’s comment is spot on! If human people think to much of everything, I believe that he or she will miss all the beautiful in life. It is important to just live the life and don’t think about it all the time. I hope you will find a way that makes you feel free and live exactly the life you want to live! All love to you baby face!

  • Iliana
    Posted at 02:02h, 23 April

    We judge our experiences on how much pleasure we get from them, pleasure and pain, as anything else in between, is transitory, but we humans are experts on attaching to experience and search for the same over and over.
    We are confused in so many levels, we consume everything even pleasure and pain….we market experiences like products.
    But I do believe every human being has the right to walk their path without being judge, the learning and growing we get is one of the purposes of life.
    Even when the mentors procedures are questionable, it is the follower bussines why they are following them and the much needed lessons they will get from that experience.

  • Ulrika Vargtand
    Posted at 12:40h, 21 April

    Very well written. We are experts on labelling everyone in a judging way based on frightness and lack of knowledge/insights. Thanks for sharing and contribute. True Unconditional love will release humans💚

  • Michael
    Posted at 19:56h, 16 April

    You’re right that if sexuality is coming from the head, then it is just a concept. But if you actually feel your instinct it is not actually a thought, it is an experience.
    And if we are to look at nature, 90% of animals exhibit only heterosexual behaviour. The 10% that exhibit homosexual behaviour have been shown to do so when the other gender is not around. You can see an example of that here:

    “Scientists say that when a female shows up, that often spells the end for same-sex male bonds in penguins and other animals. And vice versa for same-sex female pairings. ”

    As for your comment about children being affectionate towards each other, affection is hardly the same as sexuality and in fact in the Mediterranean parts of europe, Heterosexually identified men show far more affection and care for each other than in northern parts of europe – partly I think because the cultures are more heart centered but also because this is seen as normal and part of being human and has nothing to do with it moving towards sex.

    It sounds like the “tantra” you are talking about is the group called The New Tantra.

    I find this group to be very disturbing in that it uses the lingo of “de-armouring” to actually change the ego programming of people to new programming instead of helping them find a more genuine connection to their instincts.

    One such example is the anal “de=armouring” from the patriarchy exercise.

    If anything, this exercise is further pushing the agenda of the patriarchy by confusing a mans instinct.

    The masculine body is made to penetrate not to be penetrated- so getting invaded by a dildo in the name of “de-armouring” does not actually de-armour you but may actually cause trauma and confusion in the instinct as it’s wondering what the heck is going on?

    The instinct is very base and does not understand concepts like armouring and dearmouring.

    And the fact that this is all done in the name of therapy is especially dangerous.

    And so when sexuality becomes “just a thought” it’s not because it is only a thought, it’s because that particular person has lost touch with their instinctual center – the belly.

    What’s worse about this situation is that it is impossible to have an open and honest conversation about sexuality these days because everything is so polarised – you are either bigot (anti-gay conservative) or you are a compassionate human being (pro-gay and progressive) and in the meantime the truth goes out the window.

    It becomes about people who are judgmental vs people who are compassionate whereas true compassion is wanting to understand the situation as it really is and not judge someone, regardless of how they identify mentally.

    Gender confusion happens when a person is too much in their head and they are “thinking” about sexuality instead of feeling it.

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