28 Jun 1 year of Sexual Celibacy!? Hm… Well, why not?
Right now I am on a pilgrimage journey in India. Perhaps a good place to start period of sexual celibacy?
How crazy would it be if I turned away from a life going All In into tantric sex with sexual workshops all over the world, to a life in sexual celibacy? Only one month ago that would have seemed impossible, sex is SO important to me. But things have happened…
Just to give you an idea where I come from. I am a 33-year old man, with an animal background aimed for survival, and I have a quite strong drive for everything; business and sports as well as personal development and sex. My father had an intense life of dating women before he married at the age of 39 and I have grown up with boys where many are like me and my father. Have you seen how a group of young men can have a good time together, but if an attractive woman turns up everyone starts acting weird to impress, get attention or pretending to not be interested? I believe almost everyone is interested, especially me. Sleeping with hot girls is high status society has taught me. I guess it started when I was 15, together with my first beer. My God I did not know what I was doing in bed, but it made me feel cool and of course it was fun too. I had a list of the girls I had sex with and it was quite long when I started doing tantric workshops. Then I quite writing down…
There have been Tinder dates and before that Badoo dates. Dates on boats, dates on motorbikes, dates while skiing and dates on Gröna Lund (amusement park in Stockholm). Single dates, double dates and triple dates. Trips to Brazil, and it was not mainly for the weather, and trips to Indonesia, not for the weather there either… I have had so much fun! But I must admit there has been a neediness and a hunt for sex and girls that I can see more and more clearly.
I have had this strange thought that I would be boring, even a failure if I wouldn’t have sex frequently. That I would waste my youth. So I have been planning to get sex regularly. And mainly thanks to Master Dhyan Vimal, I am starting to see how my actions are fucked up because of this. When I sing I try to sing to be attractive, when I dress I want to be attractive, when I ski I want to be a good skier – to be attractive. Not that there is anything wrong with singing sexy, dressing sexy or being a good skier – as long as I am doing it for the pure enjoyment of it. Not if there is a subtle goal to get laid in the end, which is a desired goal.
Our reality is showing us where we are, where we can go there is flow and where we shouldn’t go there is resistance. My life has shown me lately that the hunt for women and sex has not really lead me anywhere. Once again, nothing wrong with sex and women – it is the hunt I am talking about here. It has actually lead me to problems, neediness and loss of energy in the constant seeking.
My years in the tantric world has been enormously good for me. I have learnt so much and lost pretty much all fear and shame around my sexuality. It has been a crazy ride with stories you wouldn’t believe and I don’t regret one part of it. But maybe it is time for the next phase of this journey. I talked about this with my friend and tantric teacher Alex and it felt good he also supported this. Even though I will make my own choice in the end, I believe in listening to opinions of good advisers.
Master Vimal has shown me lately how deep this urge for sex goes in me – and also in humanity as a whole. There are many ways to come to an understanding of our unconscious behaviours, but simply stop acting out an addiction is the first step in getting out of it. Alcoholism is a good example. You could be an alcoholic regardless of if you are drinking or not. Only if it does not matter if we get alcohol or not during an evening on a restaurant, can we claim to not be alcoholics. Of course there is a scale from high to low here, but many of us are dependent on alcohol for our mood – at least in some situations. The first step in getting free from the addiction would be to stop drinking for a while and see how that affects us.
Master Vimal says it is the same with sex. Only if it does not matter if I get it am I free from the addiction. He is not against sex, he is only saying the urge for it makes me needy and makes me loose energy. And it affects almost all parts of my life. “You don’t know the enormous relief that comes when not everything you do aims directly or indirectly to get sex. And the energy that is released can make you go higher then you could ever have imagined”, he says. When I first heard about this I just laughed about it. “Maybe when I am old”, I replied. Then I started to really see the logic behind it and I understood that if I am serious about my spiritual path this is a natural step. That insight made me depressed, hahaha!
The idea is to simply stop having sex for an extended period of time. But this does not mean everything is solved. Many monks have tried this, but they are secretly or unconsciously still dreaming of sex. They are sober alcoholics. No, the first step of celibacy is just to not follow that desire, that need for sex. In not following it I can for the first time see with sober eyes how so many of my actions are in one way or another aiming to get sex. In seeing this I will get more understanding of myself and at least I will be sober.
What happens then I have no idea about. It is a bit scary and completely new to me. But rather than being depressed about it, I am actually starting to become curious about what it would mean. Partying with hot women, not having a goal to sleep with them at all? Maybe for a year? Will I have constant blue balls and breath like a frustrated bull, or will I actually become more relaxed, present, energized and creative? Let’s try it out and see…