05 Dec 6-months celibacy report (by a sex addict?)
Obviously the break from the blog wasn’t to be that long. It is simply to fun to write about these things. Furthermore it seems like sex is still what catches you guys the most, so here comes the first out of three posts about my new life in the limbo between sex and celibacy. Welcome to enjoy this 6-months (which is half time) celibacy report.
As you may remember the main reason I decided to try one year of celibacy was because I realized sex was something that directly or indirectly governed a big part of my life. I am apparently not alone in this though. According to sources I trust as many as 99% of people are governed by sex in one way or another. Here are some examples how sex has determined how I think, feel and act:
- Caring about what others think about my look and also caring about my look myself, wishing to be attractive
- Consciously or unconsciously planning for sex, could be a date or something else
- Hunting in the bar, the night club or just in the street. “Over there is a tight girl, Oh she’s looking at me. Damn it, she just hugged that guy lovingly – are they perhaps together?”
- Unconsciously or consciously trying to talk, walk, sing, dance in an attractive or cool way
- Believing it is important to be “the man”, being successful in any particular area – also implying competing with other men to be the “preferred mating choice”
The list can be made long. Perhaps I have been an extreme case, but I believe almost all of you will recognize yourself in at least one of these examples. Or maybe you can come up with another example of how and why sex is important to you? Some people cant stand it and just want to leave the whole sex and dating circus, monks and nuns are the typical examples. But as I have understood it they are not free from sex either, generally they have just suppressed it into the unconscious. So on top of this follows all the unconscious behaviors and decisions we make that can be linked to sex and “being the preferred mating choice”, as my mentor calls it. Being the best football player to earn money, using the money to buy the big boat, having the boat to invite friends and … yes girls. Or daydreaming about that man in the café when there is a business meeting coming up, or perhaps worrying about if the three extra kilos she put on is going to show in the dress.
It was very hard to make this celibacy decision for me, since I had to break deep patterns in myself. Like a wise man said, asking a man who is starving not to eat is no sadhana (practice) – but asking a man who lives in constant buffet not to eat – that is harder. What this means is that for people who are very strict and have not lived out their sexual secret dreams, a celibacy practice like this would probably not be hard and not make them grow. For them doing the opposite could be more rewarding in terms of breaking patterns, learning about themselves and growing as human beings.
Like I said, I was almost depressed when making the decision. “Buhu, I’m gonna be so boring. No parties and no fun.” The funny thing for me was once the decision was made I immediately felt happier. I could do all the fun things like partying and flirting, but now from another perspective – with higher awareness and less needyness. For six months now I have been consciously watching myself, my need to prove myself and my sexual desires without allowing myself to fully go with them. I stopped the outward movement and in that I have been able to step by step see how much I had invested in the game of planning for, hunting and acting out in the area of sex and also being sexually desired by others.
I was told this is actually a fundamental step in the purification of the body and being and I am starting to see this is true. If sex (and survival) is still important to me this will infiltrate my intention and expression in all kinds of situation. Now after six months I dare to say my general intention is purer than it was before, even though I still have work to do. When hanging out with attractive girls I can relax more in not having a goal and also when hanging out with male friends the atmosphere is different. I am not in the same way part of the usual and sometimes very subtle game of comparing and competing. Or if I do for a moment find myself acting out some old habit of trying to “be the man”, I generally catch myself in the middle of the action.
Another interesting result of this is that I actually feel more like a man, more masculine. Not needy in the same way as before, not being as spellbound by gorgeous women. I am more seated in myself, content and rested with being just by myself. And then all the other insights… Just like I was told there is now enormous energy released for other, perhaps higher, purposes. I am more creative, but foremost I am learning much faster in the area I am interested in which is my own mind and human consciousness. So as you can hear, now I AM THE MAN! 🙂
Alright, let’s get the feet back on the ground again. This six months have been challenging and there have also been some quite close calls. We all have a big part of our self-image invested in different areas and for me a lot was invested in sex and the game around it. And I have enjoyed it too! Therefor being a monk and meditating in a cave for 12 months is not my cup of tea, and besides I don’t believe in that kind of suppression anyway. Rather I still like going to nightclubs in sexy clothes, and I even tried to sleep next to a few girls during this period. That is where I try to practice my meditation, in the middle of life and all it’s potential pleasures and desires. More details about this in the coming two posts.
Swami Sohaam Nirvesham aka Babyface