08 Dec Being Celibate in the Nightclub
It is Friday night in Stockholm. Together with some friends we have just ended a long dinner at the restaurant Papas. Once again I have enjoyed not having a moment of stress during the dinner since there is no goal with hunting any girl tonight. Before I would always have a small part of myself thinking about where to go and maybe texting with some potential date for tonight. This night I am just out with my friends to have fun with them and see what happens. And besides, there is plenty of flirting going around at Papas too. I have already met two girls I slept with earlier in my life. Really nice to see them, to appreciate them in a new way.
While hugging one of them I could feel my body, and perhaps hers as well, reacting as sexual energy was awakened. I like it when it happens, it makes me feel alive. I try to observe the energy, the rising temperature inside me, while being observant on my behavior not to go into “needing or wanting mood”. In this I also become more aware of how she reacts to all this, and that is also interesting and exciting. This girl was very cool, giving me a flirty look without excusing herself. I like this game, it is perhaps even more thrilling now when I have my own little game inside of me. My game is about setting me up to tests: Can the lust get me or can I approach the lust and also go into the lust without being conquered by it? Without loosing my presence. I also try this with tasty food. Can I for instance have only one piece of that delicious chocolate, really taste it while eating it slowly, and then just look at the rest of the chocolate without taking another piece? That is almost more difficult than skipping sex, haha! Being a celibate in regards to food.
We continue to a nightclub and already in the line I spot an unusually pretty girl. She looks very charming, and I smile at myself. Within a few seconds I have already made an opinion about her as amazing and unconsciously wanting her. The old habit is strong. I keep looking at her and try to observe what happens inside me. Can I, as a friend suggested to me, just let her be another beautiful part of the experience? Something to appreciate without wanting anything from her? As I enter the nightclub I can hear and feel the music. I decide to try to remain present with the music while walking around. Since everybody is hearing the same music I believe that is a great bridge in getting closer connected. But I don’t want to loose myself only in the music, I want to include it while talking to friends or dancing with some girl. Sometimes it works, sometimes I forget.
As you may have started to see this celibacy is about much more than simply not sticking the dick into the pussy. (Forgive my liberated language). It is about reclaiming the control over my awareness and attention, which I dare to say is the most important thing there is in life. The entire life is happening within the awareness, and generally we are not aware of this. We believe life is a bunch of things that happen to us in chronological order and that life shapes us. In this we miss what I am starting to learn, that We actually can shape life to an extent I did not think was possible – but first we must learn to control and finally master our awareness.
A hot girl just showed up in the other corner of the bar – glancing at me, within my awareness. It may seem tempting to go over there, or plan what I could say to her, or daydream about her body and what we could do together – while feeling the temperature rising within. Nothing wrong with any of this, but when I look closer at it, it is actually nothing but unconscious programmed wants/desires governing me. I am not free, I am in a way dependent on her and the situation. Suddenly she becomes important for my level of happiness, if she is interested in me or not suddenly matters a lot to me. Without realizing it I am not any longer in control of what is important to me, I gave it away to her and a situation I became dependent on.
If I was a Master of awareness I could see all this happening – and so much more at the same time. I know it is possible. I could feel my body reacting to her energy, maybe even getting a hard on. And at the same time I could listen to the music, feel it and appreciate it in my body. Be aware of my beloved friend waving to me on the dance floor and enjoy seeing another female friend flushing while talking to some tall, handsome man. All this is within my awareness. Everything is available right now as long as I am not focusing on Me and Me getting The Girl, the little self in the head and what it needs and wants. Because then everything else disappears, only the want is still there.
If I can remain still on the inside (not seeking) everything is available, and I can also act from and within that stillness. Perhaps it sounds boring to some, but that is definitely not my experience. Rather it is a liberation, and it comes with reclaimed power and dignity. I am not saying I am mastering this today, but that is where I am aiming. And everything is still possible. (Well, almost everything, except fucking for another six months…) It is just that the perspective has changed and even though hunting could be fun I find this more enjoyable, with more clarity, truth and even love compared to how I was before.