18 Dec Trying to stay celibate in bed with a hot girl
If you haven’t read the two previous posts please do, this won’t make any sense otherwise…
One evening I had invited a girl to my place for dinner. This was after about four months of celibacy practice. After dinner we decided to go to the sauna and she was very cool and relaxed – simply undressing and going in totally naked. I thought for a second, is getting naked really a good idea? But then why not. Being naked is the most natural thing there is and it has nothing to do with being a victim under sexual desires. And besides I like being on the border of what is allowed. I believe I learn more that way.
In the sauna I looked at her and could feel my dick reacting. I carefully placed a hand on her back to see what would happen. Yup, the dick got harder. For a minute I just enjoyed the awakened energy without doing anything more, and suddenly it all went away – without a trace of frustration. On the contrary it felt like a relaxation. Interesting. Now I was curious to see if we could take this challenge to the next level in bed…
I am lying next to her, hugging her from behind. I can feel my body getting horny and obviously she is not totally against it based on her subtle movements and breathing. Together we stop and wait, then slowly moving with it again. My dick is hard, not a problem as I see it. That is a body thing, no reason to condemn the body. What I am watching closely is my internal world and intention. There is lust, ok. Do I need to go with it? What thoughts are arising?
My body is moving slowly together with hers, mimicking very slow intercourse even though we both are having our clothes on. Is this ok? It surely is a sexual situation, but what is going on inside me – am I unconsciously living out desires and wants? I pause for a moment to check myself. No I feel calm and aware. “Would it matter if we did not do anything more at all tonight but just stopped here?” I asked myself… It actually would be equally good, just hugging was nice. I loved the connection we were having. What a relief! Obviously sex was not that crucial to me right now. Before I know I would have been frustrated in a situation like this, trying to figure out how to take it to the next step.
Funny thing, before tantric sex the little 5-10 second peak orgasm was so important. It was the whole goal of sex. Then I stopped with that and learned to enjoy sex much deeper, with other longer and more relaxed orgasms. I thought I had almost mastered sex, totally missing the fact that sex was still a huge thing, almost an obsession, in my mind. Hahaha! Thank lord I have met wise people to help me see this more clearly.
Now we are moving again, with less clothes…. And with more intensity and more sexual energy in the body. I try to relax and let it flow to where it wants to flow. She is getting horny and all of a sudden she says; “I want to feel you inside me”. This fires up something inside me, it is power – almost a bit anger. I put my hands on her hips and with some force start pulling her against me. I even make a spontaneous sound, like s roar. Woooopps!! It was probably not more than five seconds, but during those I totally lost my internal balance. The animal took over, it was only the animal acting as me. Nothing wrong with the animal, if the witness is also there in the awareness. This time it was not. I know that is not being a celibate. That is not me being aware of the lust and not letting it take me, what just happened was the lust being the master.
So I paused to cool down. That was too close to call I thought to myself. Even though we both had our underwear on. I remembered Master Vimal’s comparison with the woman on diet who say a cake in the oven. “Staring at the cake with mouth-watering is not really being on a diet”.
I had just witnessed myself crossing the line. No reason to blame myself I reasoned, this is how I learn. I had already decided that keeping my underwear’s on was a ground rule for this 12 months, but obviously that was not enough. The internal intention and awareness is number one. I realize I can break my celibacy practice even being by myself, just by daydreaming about sex and loosing myself in it. And here I was with this super hot girl, also ready for it. One voice inside me just wanted to pull down her small sexy panties and fuck her like crazy. Tough practice this one!!
Then she said; “perhaps we should chill down?” Maybe she saved me. Close call…