A blog about personal development, relations, tantric sex and celibacy
For many years I have joked about pretentious people who blogs about themselves, and here I am now – with my own blog … It will reflect my interests and thus cover a wide range of topics such as: spiritualism, tantric sex, meditation, shamanism, love and relationships, food, business and money, music, party, sports, science, philosophy, travel, charity, politics and society. There will be something for everyone. We all change opinion and when I read this in twenty years I’ll probably wonder what the hell I was thinking sometimes. But my goal is to be brutally honest and not withhold embarrassing details, so long as it serves the reader. Friends and family: It is not my intention to expose anyone against their will, so you can relax. 🙂
Now this blog is primarily not about me personally – although I am interesting and cool as hell. 😉 It is rather a new outlook on life that I want to convey. But for those who do not know me, I will here give a brief summary of my background. I was born in 1982 in Stockholm, where I grew up. My family and I spend the Summers on beautiful Käringön on the Swedish west coast. Both my parents have been successful and famous, especially in politics. One of my father’s jobs gave our family the privilege to stay in a fantastic palace in the Old Town of Stockholm, where I lived between the age 9-19. I have a wonderful one year younger sister who is happily married with two children. In many ways I floated through my youth on the red carpet. I had good grades in school, partied constantly, dated lots of girls and got my first job as a management consultant at one of the world’s most prestigious companies when I was 26 years old.
However, this was the starting point when I slowly began to realize that maybe everything was not so good after all. I have always been a seeker and I guess what I was seeking was the perfect life. On the surface, I also had the perfect life as a spoiled brat, but I was forced to realize the hard way that I was not looking for the meaning of my life in the right place. The stressful job with limited freedom, combined with problems in my relationships slowly pulled me down into a depression. I also had physical symptoms as persistent colds, nervous tics, herniated discs in the neck and properly reduced sensitivity and strength in one arm. We all have our deep wounds from childhood, although many like I did myself would like to think that everything was fine. I started going to a psychiatrist in 2009 and went 2-3 times a week for over three years (read original letter to him). Gradually, I felt a little better, but the seeking continued. The spring of 2012 I opened my first spiritual book, and since then I feel that I have a much more clear basis and direction in my life. The book is called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and there I discovered Meditation. I had not read more than 30 pages when I heard a voice within me saying “this book will change my life forever.” It did also, it is a good introduction to Spiritualism and so is Tolles, perhaps more easy to read, “New Earth”. Since then I have been on this spiritual path, and it is accelerating, so that sometimes I hardly believe it’s true.
In January 2014, I was at a retreat (Path of Love) in Brazil, where I was in a new way realized that love is always available and it felt like an awakening from an old life to a new one. A few months later I was properly introduced to tantra and tantric sex in the “Crazy Wisdom” tradition, via the spiritual school The New Tantra. It was the first of many retreats with my tantric teacher and friend Alex Vartman. He has a slogan called “It makes sense in a weird way” and as you will see later, it is true in both dimensions, especially the weird one. Everybody in this tradition get aliases and mine is Babyface, hence the name of this blog.
Parallel to this, I was the CEO of a real estate company which I also co-started with some older, more experienced men. The company owns properties worth Billions of SEK and I sat daily in meetings with banks, brokers, tenants and officers. It was my youth entrepreneur dream to run my own company and earn lots of money. I liked my colleagues and there was nothing wrong with the job as such, but what I had discovered in the spiritual world was still more important to me. I chose to leave the company in September 2014, even though I did not know what I would do. In the meantime, then, I traveled around the world to meet spiritual teachers, do my spiritual practice, have fun and gather motivation and inspiration to live my life purpose. It would be a shame if the reader got the impression that it takes money to take the step towards something that feels more meaningful, because it is not true. And maybe we do not need to change what we do, but rather how we do it. Although everyone has different circumstances, we are 100% responsible for our own happiness. How could we demand that someone else should take responsibility for it?
It is normal to run on the treadmill, it is safe, no one will question you. But at some point in life, you will probably ask yourself the question: “Is this is?What do I really want to do with My Life?” There are those who ask this question first on the deathbed, but then it rather comes as: “What if I wasted all my life?” There’s no reason waiting to start acting in order to live the life we dream of. I believe that all people have a purpose in their life on this earth and if you are completely honest with yourself, you know if you live to fulfill your purpose or not.
The journey is still ongoing and has given me al lot of new potential projects. Business plans have been created for all kinds of personal development programs online and I am also looking for land to create a retreat centre with an eco-village. But when I found my new guru, Master Dhyan Vimal, I came to understand that there is nothing wrong with having projects in the world – but for me the most important project must be the self discovery, which is also the understanding of who I am not. If I don’t know, understand and finally love myself, how can I know, understand and finally love the world and others?
I have always liked to communicate both verbally and in text. Therefore I have created this Babyface blog to take you on a journey with crazy adventures, interesting meetings and to share with you the lessons and insights I get on the road. With the hope that you will enjoy the ride!
There are many people without whose inspiration, wisdom and support I would not have been able to create this blog. Some mentioned, and thus certainly some forgotten, sorry for that. Thank you for everything:
Guru Dhyan Vimal
Path of Love
Since meeting my new Guru, Master Dhyan Vimal, my spiritual practice has been greatly simplified. Now I have a ritual that I do over and over which is using the breath to come back to myself, awake and at peace. Other than that I also have my own 10 commandments. But before this I had a lot of more or less crazy things I did. Read about them below if you want. 🙂
My spiritual practice until the Spring 2016:
I’m fairly new as spiritual practitioner, but I have already collected a lot of exercises from different teachers and I call this my practice. It may sound boring, but actually the opposite is true. The exercises make my life more exciting.
My practice basically aims to make me happier, and this is the same as weakening the Ego that I, like everybody else, have built up during my upbringing as a protection against the outside world. We are not free as long as the Ego governs our life and the conscious moments I have experienced without the Ego are truly worth it. We all have an Ego and mine is stupid just like everyone else’s. It can say to me that I know better than all the others, but in the next second judge me as insufficient anyway. It can paint romantic dreams of the princess I am waiting for, it may show disinterest for others, it may thirst for success and fame, but also use fear to prevent me doing what I long for, to shine and give my gift to world. This practice as I call it, has already given me a whole new life. There is some resistance within me to change, but it is still worth it because I find over time that I become more authentic, harmonious and feel more joy and meaning in my life. I get more flow. The methods I use are from books, spiritual teachers and retreats I’ve been to. I would also like to point out that it should not be too serious, the most important is of course to have fun along the way! 🙂
My ambition goes in waves and I can say that my level of happiness follow how ambitious I am with my practice. If I don’t care and go back to old ego-patterns I start to feel more uneasy in the body, the sharpness of the intellect is not the same, I become more selfish and get less flow. On the other hand after a few days prioritizing my practice, for example in a retreat, I feel bliss, the will to just give and I experience a world without problems. All of the methods below may seem extensive and difficult, but everybody is free to do practice in their own way and at their pace. Some methods have started to become a part of my new life and is therefore no longer an effort, but happen by themselves. Finding the balance to also work in the modern, often stressful, world is a challenge. But since all our actions and also our view on the world is reflected by how we feel on the inside, I believe that nothing is more important than “working on myself” to be happy. As a wise man named Russell Dellman once said: “Yes it is hard work, but it is harder not to do it”.
On my deathbed, I want to feel I did not waste my life, but gave my unique gift to the world. For a man (or woman) with a masculine core, this is the most important thing in life, it is the main purpose of being here. Only you can feel inside if you live your Life Purpose. Your LP may also change over time, but I am happy and grateful to have found mine right now. Nothing is more important to me than to penetrate more deeply into “the mystery of humans”, which is also the mystery of myself and existence. This blog is an attempt to mediate what I find. Things begin to fall into place in my life and the goal is that everything I do is in line with my LP. This provides sense of direction and stability in life.
Meditation can be said to be the cornerstone in all genuine spiritual practice. It is only when we are awake with a calm mind and relaxed body that we can know who we really are. Normally we are busy with various activities and believe in the thoughts which constantly succeed one another. It is said that up to 99% of our suffering is self-inflicted by destructive, involuntary thoughts. Certainly, we can become physically ill, but often it’s negative thoughts about it creating the largest source of suffering. The meditation is the main medicine for so-called “mind fucking”. I try to sit or lie in meditation in the morning and evening, but I also try to find this meditative state of mind when I walk, watching a beautiful view, listen to music and so on. It is possible to live your whole life in meditation and it becomes a beautiful and peaceful life.
My sex life has changed completely since I started practicing tantric sex. Nothing could make me go back to regular sex. It has become so much deeper and more satisfying now, it’s lust rather than need. I believe a relaxed attitude to sex without shame and fear is necessary to be a free person. I practice sexually by myself and with partners, and it also gives me deep spiritual experiences.
Oh my God! I did not think I would ever start praying. But now I do, at least once a day. It’s not as hokey as it sounds, but do in fact give me more meaning, gratitude and direction in life.
Feedback in the community
If I did not get honest feedback from my close friends, I would quickly lose myself in self-deception. We think we know ourselves so well, but if we did wouldn’t we be well and never feel bad? No one chooses deliberately destructive thoughts and behaviors. However, we clearly see each other’s peculiar behavior and to sincerely give and receive constructive feedback is a tremendous asset that help me develop as a person. Most people do not say what they really think of each other, it is an uncomfortable risk. It is, however, very important, how else can we learn? In my tantric tradition we are trained to give constructive criticism to help each other out of ego-behavior.
Dynamic Burn meditation (has helped me, but I am not doing it anymore)
Living in today’s society is not easy, it’s so much stress and low awareness of our emotions. These emotions get stuck in the body, e.g. as contractions in the stomach and chest. In a Burn meditation, you can first listen to aggressive music such as hard rock to jump and scream out your rage. After that you listen to sad and beautiful music to be able to cry. This “purge” may last for 30-40 minutes and afterwards you can lie on your back and relax. My heart often opened up in pure joy, gratitude and love. This was not possible before this Burn meditation since tension blocked the beauty. I always felt a resistance before this exercise, but it was worth it. Now I have learned to own my anger and not suppress emotions to the same extent and the need to express them is not there in the same way. It was a good excercis for me, but not needed any longer. Other dynamic meditations that help are Osho’s Dynamic Meditation, Shakra breathing and Kundalini Meditation.
Embarrassment Practice (has helped me, but now I am not thinking about it anymore)
We all appreciate people that can joke about themselves, people with self distance. My teacher Alex used to say that a measure of your spiritual practice is how seriously you take yourself. The more you realize that your person is only an imaginary, composed phenomenon, the more you can relax, stop taking things personally and stop assert yourself. Nowadays, if I am challenged or find something I want to do that I do not dare, I usually force myself to do it. It may be embarrassing, but I survive and notes that I have become more confident afterwards. My comfort zone has increased. The goal is to eventually have the whole world as your comfort zone, then no situation feels unpleasant. What freedom! Moreover, this practice creates many unexpected and comical situations. Who really cares? Only the Ego.
As a man I have for most of my life suppressed my feminine side unconsciously – but also in fear of being labeled as gay or similar. Nowadays, I appreciate it more and more, the girl in me is named Erika. I become like a happy child in my feminine and it is much easier to be spontaneous, with a soft body and loving energy. No one has educated me how I should behave when I walk around in a dress, which I dare to do in safe environments and it makes me feel free, pure and innocent. The feminine practice opens the body and makes me feel more and more, just like I did as a child.
Do the opposite practice
Our intellect tells us how we should behave, and because it is completely infiltrated by the ego, it is an incredibly powerful practice to do the opposite to what the thoughts say. Naturally, with common sense, it is not about driving against red light. Rather, I try to look someone in the eyes when the voice says “avoid”, relaxing by myself when the voice says “you must hit on that girl”, dress challenging when the voice says “do not stick out” and pay for the dinner when the voice says “it is his turn “. If we are awake and conscious, we feel in the heart and stomach if our actions are sound. This practice is shaking accustomed behaviors and patterns. We retain those who make the world better and stop acting out those that are selfish.
The ego is almost always in a hurry, as it is living on borrowed time. Therefore, it is an excellent practice to slow down the tempo in everything you are doing. My teacher usually suggests to reduce the pace by 20%, it is adequate and allows you to be more aware and present. Walk, talk, eat, drink, make love, washing dishes, making the bed, scratch your hair – 20% slower. An effective way to get in the flow and the quality in what you do will increase.
Burn the karmic fixations
Karmic obsessions are things that we feel the need and desire for. Examples would be success, recognition, money, gadgets, appearance, food and sex. I have made a list of things I want or feel need to achieve, things I involuntarily think of time after time. Some things I can let go of through honest self-reflection, other things like sex I do not want to drop and therefore must live through – at least for some time. That is called to burn karma. Pretending that we do not have needs, and repress them does not work. But it is also important to realize that we have to let go of the needs and desires. There are, as everyone knows, those who hoards money until their deathbed, and I don’t wanna be such a person. The goal is to get to a point where I do not need anything from the world in order to be happy. Only then can I in a relaxed manner socialize and give to others without expecting anything back.
Fear is probably the Ego’s main tool to prevent us from being free. I’m not talking about the healthy fear as to avoid lions, but dysfunctional fears such as fear of public speaking, to say what we think, or fear of failure. I have also made a list of my fears and practice to dare to face them by putting myself in those unpleasant situations. I realize then that the danger was not real and it provides security and relaxation. The comfort zone is increasing and I can let go of the fear. I did a lot of this with my tantric teacher Alex, but with my new guru Master Dhyan Vimal there is less of this.
This exercise is about doing something for the world, without telling anyone else about it. This can include picking up trash, donate money anonymously or to make a place a little more beautiful. It is a fantastic way to become less selfish and pretty soon it goes from being a pain, to go by itself, to become a joy. My Ego has a clear tendency to think that I am more important than others, so this exercise is important for me.
Can be done in pairs or in groups. One shares spontaneously something personal, it may be something you are ashamed for but it can also be something beautiful. The others who does not share listens attentively without reacting and saying anything at all. We are often so busy with what we are about to say ourselves, that we do not really listen. It is healing to give each other our undivided attention, and often those who share find their own truth and insights in this way.
Yoga is good for the body and it is nice. I’m really not an experienced yogi and certainly not flexible, even though I’m no longer “clumsy like a refrigerator”. I have a self-composed yoga that takes about 25 minutes and I do it sometimes in the morning when the body feels stiff. It also has a calming effect on certain emotions. It seems however to be a superstition among yogis around its effects. Yoga does not change the Ego’s behavior patterns more than marginally, hence there is no real spiritual growth to talk about.
[Written in October 2015]
I would like to share some of my thoughts. In a few years time I’ll probably be embarrassed by this, but anyway – here it goes.
How could you discover something that is everywhere? It’s a bit like looking for the color blue in a blue sky. Another example is to try to explain to a fish what water is. When something is everywhere, the experience is the same as if it is nowhere. Everywhere and nowhere at the same time. This can be a little difficult for the mind to grasp, but it is a logical necessity. You can not distinguish something that is everywhere.
I have been an atheist. Of course it is a religion in itself, and some atheists can be very upset in discussions whether God exists or not. My faith has changed. I choose to call it faith because we do not really know anything for sure. The only thing we can know for sure is that we somewhat exist because we experience. This is established by philosophers and thinkers since thousands of years, the movie Matrix provides a modern version of this truth. Humility is the sound attitude, there is so little we know. Nowadays I do not think that our universe is just a dead collection of matter following arbitrary laws and that life arose by chance. My intuition tells me there must be something more than chance that underlie creation when I admire nature’s complexity and the diversity of species, or behold the stars on a clear night. But my belief is also based on what I heard and read from credible sources, theories I have read and own deep experiences since I began my spiritual journey. I will here try to put my faith in words, well aware that it may have changed in a few years.
The Big Bang was the starting point for this universe, approximately 13.7 billion years ago. In this particular universe there is matter and it has created our sun, earth and all that we can see with the naked eye. Probably there are other universes and other dimensions, it is very possible that there are an infinite number of them. We have invented the concept of time in our Universe to describe the changes we see and this seems all the more relevant because there is also a starting point of time. Time is, however, no absolute truth. No one has ever seen the time, it is a relative truth. But we believe in it so hard. Moreover there is nothing in our universe that requires someone to experience anything. The planets could quietly spin around suns, and we could like programmed biological machines eat, mate and die without experiencing anything. Computers are becoming more complex, the programs can replicate themselves and thus propagate, but no one believes that computers or programs are experiencing anything themselves.
We feel that we exist. There is thus not only a bunch of objects, but also a subject that sees everything happening. This is a fact, perhaps the only fact. No one has a clue how this universe could be created out of nothing. My belief is that there is something bigger, we can call it the Source. The Source is everywhere, and thus can not be detected by searching among the atoms, behind the stars or by looking for an old man with a long beard beard in the sky. The Source has always existed and will always exist, it is infinite, eternal and timeless. The thing with the Source is that humans obviously are part of it, because it is everywhere and our consciousness is part of the Source of consciousness. Consciousness is looking out through our eyes and then looking at itself everywhere.
Jesus pointed to this when he in the Gospel of Thomas says, “I am the light that is brighter than another. I am the All. Everything has started from me and everything has come from me. Chop a tree, and I’m there. Lift a stone and you will find me there. ”
Of course, Jesus does not talk about himself as a person. He was probably enlightened and could see that he was part of the Source and it is the Source that talks about itself, through Jesus. Just as the Buddha and many others have done over the millennia, with their words. Words are objects and can not be more than signs towards this universal “truth”. The universe arises out of and in the Source. We are part of an experience that created itself and enjoys itself in a mad dance. Sure, we can get lost only thinking about the objects in this experience, including our own body. We make us attractive, buying a new car, trying to get more money and renovate the apartment. Nothing wrong with this, but it is ultimately empty and meaningless if we forget who we are. Actually we already know this, that it is not possible to find meaning in the objects of this world. Our consciousness is full of objects, but your consciousness itself is no object. It is part of the Source and you can make a fascinating journey into the consciousness if you turn your attention to – the attention itself. It is really about, stop looking everywhere and just be. It has also been called meditation or Dhyana as it is called in Sanskrit. In the stillness, we were able to experience that we are not limited to our body and that consciousness is not only in our head, but it is everywhere and therefore nowhere. If you ask yourself who you are, you can come up with a lot of explanations about how you are. Certainly hundreds. But none of them is you. They can be replaced and new ones can be added. We are more than a collection of words. Somewhere within you, you know that you are more than a collection of words. It is really obvious. When everything is quiet, without thoughts, you are still here. The one who is experiencing it all, consciousness itself. We are part of the Source that experiences itself in the form of the Universe, in this particular dimension. It is so infinite and incredible that the intellect can not grasp it. You can not find something that is everywhere by searching, but you can experience it by stopping, and just being.
Love is our true nature, at least in this dimension. It is my conviction because it is my own experience and also many others I know, that when our defenses in the body (especially in the chest), and the mind gives up love flows into the consciousness. The whole experience becomes a joyous experience. It requires no effort. That is how the Source is manifested through us, as long as we can relax our over-active mind and normally tense body. This is such a strong feeling of familiarity, of coming home. It is this strong experience that has given me my faith. We are created out of the whole in order to experience this beauty, that all is love. From the blue ocean waves lapping on the sun-drenched cliff and the white cloud that floats out of the clear blue sky, to the bird’s cheerful morning song in the forest and the snowflake as quiet settles over a calm winter landscape where only the sound of the wind in the trees is moving the stillness. It’s a beautiful love experience we are born into, and in my best moments I am extremely grateful for this. All the suffering in the world is just the Ego’s resistance to life, nature and the flow of the Source. A resistance that like a dam in a river is living on borrowed time.