The term is invented by David Deida and the theory below is from him and my previous tantric school. 3rd stage refers to a way of life in which you are practicing to give to your intimate partner and to your surroundings without expecting anything in return, consequently unconditional love. The main purpose of the relationship is to grow as people and that includes lovingly violating each other’s boundaries to confront and transcend fears and desires, hence increasing the freedom and comfort zone. In 3rd stage you can give your gift to the world both from your masculine and feminine side.
For us to be able to develop to our full potential, it is essential that we allow all parts of our character to be nourished. According to the Tantric approach everyone have a masculine and a feminine side, but few of us develop both. 3rd Stage relationship is a term that my teacher’s teacher David Deida uses. From there I get a part of my inspiration, but I also mix in other things I have learned and my own insights. I see the term as synonymous with love relationships of the future, where I would like to highlight three areas:
To give you a better picture of what these and especially number 3 mean I’ll give you a background to David Deidas model. This is my interpretation, for those who want to immerse themselves I recommend his books. He has written several bestsellers and has invented a terminology called 1st, 2nd and 3rd stage relationship. To understand the whole picture, I will attempt to give a brief explanation of the steps. What is central is that both men and women have a masculine and a feminine side. If we are free, men generally (there are all kinds of variations) want to act from their masculine side a greater part of the time, and women generally want to be in their feminine energy greater part of the time. But many of us have lost touch with our natural instincts and might not feel at home in any of the two aspects of being human.
1st Stage relationship. This is how relations worked in the older days and still do in some countries today. There is polarity in the relationship, which means that passion is possible, but the relationship is not healthy:
2nd Stage relationship. This is by far the most common type of relationship in Sweden and the Western world. There has been a development that certainly is preferable to the 1st stage. The key in this stage is to always strive for harmony in the relationship and even treat each other like best friends:
2nd stage is about respecting each other’s boundaries and thereby creating harmony. The problem in the 2nd stage is that the polarity is often lost when the honeymoon is over and in addition the couple and the individuals do not develop, since they constantly stay within their comfort zone. The problem in the 2nd stage is that the polarity is often lost when the honeymoon period is over. Equality leads to everybody being similar, becoming buddies instead of a hot loving couple. It is also common that the woman becomes kind of a mother for the man and that the man feels guilty. Passion and sex life obviously suffers, with the result that both parties feel unsatisfied and bored. Infidelity and divorces have become standard. In addition, many women are burnt out by having to be in control both at work and at home. In the attempt to become as equal as possible, the man has lost his masculine core and the woman has lost her feminine radiance. Equality, that everyone should have the same opportunities, is of course something positive. But perhaps it has gone too far when we do not want to admit that we also appreciate the differences.
3rd stage relationship. Central to the relationship is that both parties are committed to primarily develop as humans beings. This i partly done through lovingly violating each other’s boundaries, to confront and move beyond fears and desires that often originate from childhood. This increases the comfort zone and the relationship is more about what you can give than what you can get, because you want to see your partner reach his/her full potential. You give your partner the same rights that you would give to your best friend. It might not sound very advanced, but the fact is that virtually no one is doing this today. If our beloved, for example, behaves in a way that makes us jealous, it is normal to require him or her to stop doing that. While our partner may just have a little fun and be charmed by some admirer. We do not want to meet and feel our own fears, instead we give in to the need for control and ownership. You would not do that to your best friend, would you?
In this relationship, it is important to be honest to yourself and your partner about how you feel, rather than to seek harmony. It allows both parties to grow as human beings and thus the relationship flourishes. Polarity between the masculine and feminine is embraced, to increase the attraction:
In the 3rd stage, both the man and the woman get total outlet for all their potential as human beings. They choose to actively create polarity, which means that the passion does not disappear with age. On the contrary it may even increase. They are not best friends, there are others who have those roles. Instead, they are lovers, just as they were when the romance arose. Generally it is said that a woman naturally would chose to be 80% of the time in her feminine and 20% in her masculine and the average man the reverse. However, there are all sorts of variations, an example is Margaret Thatcher who thrived in the masculine most of the time.
Myself I seem to enjoy being in my masculine 60-70% of the time, so it would be good for me to be together with a girl who wants to be in her feminine 60-70% of the time, to create polarity. In my recent long relationship my girlfriend rather wanted go to the Spa while I wanted to ski. It meant that I was opposed to the whole Spa concept and made fun of girls wasting their time there. But since I got to know my feminine side (and named her to Erika) I have begun to appreciate the spa, beauty treatments, delicately painted nails and other nice things. It’s really nice and I still enjoy skiing. 😉
A couple who practice 3rd stage normally has decided who is “husbanding” the other, that means who is leading from the masculine and who follows. But the couple also uses “reversed polarity”, where they switch roles and then the woman husbands the man who in turn enters his feminine. This gives an extra spice and moreover it creates a greater understanding of each other. Continuous constructive feedback is crucial for the relationship to flourish. To sign a contract about the rules and expectations on each other in the relationship is highly recommended. Most people enter a relationship with a picture of what they want, but it is not shown until after a while. With a contract the transparency is total, there is a consensus on the purpose of the relationship and the risk of being disappointed is reduced. An intimate relationship is often life-changing, it is not wise to not write down the framework on a paper, but instead expect the other to adapt.
3rd Stage relationships are extremely rare today, it is said that only 1 in 100 actually understand what it is all about and even fewer are ready to practice it. But I believe and hope that this can change quickly. I have closely witnessed couples with several children who managed to get the spark back into their relationship and cuddle as if they were teenagers in love. I have also tentatively tested the practice myself, and it’s really fun, exciting and sexy.
A spiritual tradition with roots from all over the world, such as Vajrayana and Tibetan Buddhism. Every possible means is used to break through the shackles of Ego on the road to enlightenment.
It is said that the methods used in the Crazy Wisdom tradition can be so extreme that they you not read to get them, a mentor is essential to understand and to not not get lost. Because the Ego is so completely dominant in our world and in our psyche, occasionally one need exceptional methods to break through the delusions about who we are and how the world looks. Instead of just wanting to feel positive emotions, the practitioner chooses to first accept in order to understand and finally transform also our “darker” sides. It may to in a safe environment consciously go into hatred, deepest fear and sexual shame. Crazy Wisdom is open to approaches from all corners of the world, from the shamans’ plant medicines and the mentors’ brutal honesty, to crazy tantric sex and isolated meditation. The spiritual development could be faster, but also more scary and risky. Anything can happen and do as well.
The entire nervous system from top to toe is in balance and in synchronicity with the environment and the consciousness is aware of itself as the entire experience without separation and without identification. An enlightened being is constantly in this state without any resistance, personal suffering and problems.
Satori (samadhi)= a glimpse of enlightenment, it does not last. There are various depth of a Satori.
Here I will try to describe enlightenment and satori – well aware that I am a beginner and that my words, besides being inspired by others, are only simple signposts. Enlightenment I can only describe from what I have heard, but I have experienced Satoris. Being in satori is kind of being a happy child again (if you did not have an unfortunate start in life). The spontaneous joy and love without a thought of problems – a timeless state in a sea that is only Now. But the big difference is that children are unaware of their own happiness – they are just happy by nature. A conscious Satori is bit like living in a dream. Things seem like an act which may sound negative, but it just means that you can play and create beautiful experiences without worry, without taking it too seriously and become heavy-hearted. There is no self to take offense, worry about or need anything.
An enlightened being is permanently in this state of access to love and bliss, but also recognizes this from a higher level of awareness. Awareness, the man who knows that he knows (Homo sapiens sapiens), creates enormous depth – life becomes both incredibly beautiful and profound at the same time. There is no lack of anything – there are no desires. There is no self-reflection, nor any shame or fear left because the whole experience of existence and the experiencer have merged to one. It is said that enlightenment is the reason why we are here, the next step in human evolution.
This is a fantastic opening that few on Earth are capable of, but there is a tradition since thousands of years of Masters who has given the gift to their disciples. So the Enlightened consciousness is transferred and since it is in line with nature we are all being pulled there, whether we are aware of it or not. A Guru I met said that your life up to the point of enlightenment becomes your teaching and your specific character will remain. Therefore there is not a specific way an enlightened person will be, but the realisation and understanding is the same. No Ego and no self, but total understanding of the condition of being human in this existence. They say the realisation cannot really be explained. It is a bit like explaining to a fish what water is. The Enlightened has taken the next step in evolution up on the beach and knows another level of existence. But the rest of us are still stuck down in the water and don’t understand when the Enlightened speaks about water and living above the water. Living totally without problems is something we can dream of and perhaps tell ourselves in our minds, but really we are still stuck in our minds. However, we all have the same biology and enlightenment is said to be a biological event, so we all have the chance to see why we are here and take the next step in human evolution. To experience what consciousness and the human brain are capable of.
The enlightened is always in tune with the environment, just as nature is in balance, the enlightened is in balance. But as a non-spiritual friend of mine once said: “That does not sound so strange, it must have been in that way we communicated before we got a spoken language. By feeling each other.” I think it was a wonderfully simple and logical way to look at it. Why would you want to live your life in a different way than being completely open, aware and in flow? Why struggle? But that is easier said than done.
All of us have been children and somewhere in there, we remember how it was, even though we have covered the innocent feeling deep below all firm opinions and problems. We can awaken this beauty within us, it’s like bringing the most beautiful memory alive. So beautiful that we may not even dare to think that it’s possible. But that’s it, we’ve all been there once. Even those who grew up under tough conditions. We are children of nature and the universe, although in our “civilization” we have distanced us from our natural state. This has resulted in the devastation of animals and nature. But within us, we all carry the seed of enlightenment, we can all get back to our natural being combined with a higher understanding.
A mechanism in the human organism that lives on constant activity in the form of thoughts and bodily contractions and tension. The Ego is trying to avoid psychological pain and to seek love, appreciation and approval from the environment. The Ego is self-referring, self-deluding and self-repairing. The result is a distorted picture of reality and a sense of separation from the outside world; “I’m in here and the world is out there”. It is the Ego which makes you feel either big or small, either better or worse than others.
How long does it usually take for you to determine if your partner or best friend are in a good or bad mood? Maybe just a few seconds? Ourselves, we can move around in our own little bubble with our own problems for hours and days without realizing that it is destructive. We do not see our own dysfunctional behavior, we do not see our own Ego. We know what an open person looks like, she has a natural light aura. But the same woman may in a second lose that charisma if she starts to worry about something. She will tense and close herself to the outside world.
We all have an image of what it means to act selfishly. This is usually a matter of ensuring that one has it better than others, for example to take the biggest piece of cake. But for others, it may involve not daring to stand up for oneself, to hide and pretend you do not need attention when it is really about fear. Here follows a few other examples of behaviors which are controlled by what we call the Ego:
The list can be much longer. The Ego is a mechanism that resides both in our mind and in our body, as a filter for reality. It controls our thoughts, how we act and how we perceive the world. This may for some be difficult to absorb, and it’s a bit like trying to explain to a fish what water is. Since almost all of us constantly live through our Egos, there are few who remember how the unfiltered experience of existence is. The one a happy child experiences, while exploring the world on beautiful summer day in nature.
How was the Ego created?
A teacher once told me that Ego is not evil, there is nothing wrong with us, but the Ego is heavily dysfunctional. The Ego consists of strategies to survive emotionally and perhaps physically relevant in the environment we grew up in. The problem is that it colors our lives today and the behavior is severely outdated. The world the Ego creates around itself can seem evil to say the least and it is based on the experience of us–and -them. I am in here, separated from the world outside – like in a prison.
When a child is born, given that pregnancy and birth were not traumatic, that child can be seen as an organism with an open, relaxed nervous system and an empty coherent consciousness. The child’s mind is filled with sensations as seeing, hearing and feeling outside and inside the body. The child can not think, but all probably realize that the child can feel pain, and this pain also a newborn baby will find strategies to avoid. Small children are natural and follow their instincts given by nature. The parents, however, have their own problems and also their own agenda. Children must not follow their own instincts and instead they are taught; do not cry, do not be angry, do not be so inquisitive and do not go on adventures. Shame is something that only humans feel and the sexual shame is deep because we early learn that it is “wrong” to play with our sex, even if it feels good and natural. Furthermore, no child today receives all the security and love they need. Every child grows up with a picture of reality where love is a scarce resource. Parents do the best they can, but they have their own neuroses that are passed on from generation to generation. Society is also responsible for the programming of our children.
Hence, in the pure consciousness a program is created that tells the child that it must behave in certain ways to get love and other ways to avoid pain. This behavior is increasingly controlled by either fear, shame or desire. This concerns all of us, it’s like a game that everyone plays in. It becomes evident when we go to other cultures and are amazed about these people’s hilarious oddities. They have grown up under different conditions, therefore they have different defense mechanisms and those we see more clearly than our own.
How do we heal the Ego?
About this there has of course been written volumes of books, but I’ll still write a few lines. To find yourself, many people are trying. Naturally we are ourselves, but because we are guided by our Egos, we are programmed to play a lot of roles. It is hard to see our own roles, but when we look at the girl on the sidewalk nervously pretending to watch something important in the distance, or the man who plays important at the restaurant it can be more obvious. The single most important thing to do to heal the injuries from our childhood, thereby our Egos, is to increase awareness of what the hell we’re doing. Others see us more clearly than we do, and therefore it is a powerful tool to ask our loved ones for constructive criticism – feedback. If they dare to be honest and if we are prepared to make the sacrifice to change our behavior to be more relaxed and less selfish, then we are on the way to heal wounds from childhood. Can we identify our primary fears and desires, and then face the fears and dropping the desires, we become more and more free. It is a tough journey but as the wise man Russell Dellman once said to me; “Yes it is hard work, but it’s even harder not to do it.” A life controlled by the Ego is really no life, no freedom.
The world was thus too painful when we grew up and we therefore created the ego as a protection in our minds, this is the basis for the illusion of separation. Read more under Subjects – Philosophy. Instead of being comfortable in all situations, we have in our minds a so-called comfort zone. Outside it, we are afraid, ashamed or feel a lack which leads to desires and greediness.
An alternative definition of the Ego:
Introverted consciousness that speaks to itself and creates an experience of separation.
In our nervous this is noticeable in that we are not completely relaxed. Who is totally relaxed from head to toe? The answer is probably that no single person on earth is so constantly and only a few have temporarily got to experience it. Because the nervous system is programmed to believe that there are hazards outside of us, it is turned inward and contract itself. We tense the neck, get a lump in the throat and have stomach aches in harmless everyday situations.
There is, according to my teacher, three major contractions / tensions in the body. One sits in the base of the body, near the navel. We are not relaxed in our sexuality, and when we are frightened we tense ourselves down here. The other sits between the eyes, and is created by our manic thinking. People who are deep in their own problems get permanent wrinkles in the forehead and between the eyebrows from the recurring introvert efforts. The deepest contraction or wound in the nervous sitting in the right side of his chest, just below the right nipple. Most of us do not even feel anything there, attention and training is needed to discover this center of emotional pain. If we dare to relax out and feel our surroundings, this is the last point in the nervous system to let go. Few have succeeded in overcoming this, but the result is the least fascinating. You will feel the whole world and everyone you meet as if they were your own body. This opening is the ultimate feminine practice, it is the absence of Ego in the body. Additionally, if you are completely still in your mind (no mind) and aware of yourself as the entire experience, then the Ego totally absent and you are in an enlightened state.
(This theory comes from my previous tantric school.) The ability to open one’s body and heart to feel the world and creatively create beauty, art and love around oneself. For the feminine love and relations is number one. The world with its energies is feminine and fill the otherwise empty consciousness that is masculine.
All of us probably have a picture of how a flowing, free, soft and sensual feminine creature moves and how the charisma almost spreads electricity. Both men and women have a feminine side, although women naturally want to act from this state a greater part of time (generally speaking, the variation is large). To let the energy flow freely in dance and song, to let go of control, to indulge yourself and let yourself be taken sexually are examples of feminine practice. The feminine love to make it beautiful around her (him), both by decorating the home and by dressing up. Once again, central is daring to let go of control and to trust. For a person with a predominantly feminine essence, that is someone who wants to spend most of their time in the feminine energy, love and relationships are the most important thing in life.
The feminine practice makes you feel more in your body and step by step you dare to open more of your heart to the world. Small children live almost exclusively in their feminine, being sensitive and playing without any idea of the time and what is happening around them. This is also why they are in constant danger of hurting themselves, which is an example of the risk of losing oneself in the feminine. You are not aware of your surroundings and have no direction.
In today’s Western society there is a lack of feminine energy, it is not valued as it was in some earlier civilizations. Even within many spiritual traditions feminine practice is avoided, probably because the feminine practice makes you vulnerable like a child. But the food gets boring without spice! The feminine brings the world around you feeling, color and love. Actually, you can not be a true spiritual practitioner without feminine practice. Finally, it is about opening up, give in and surrender to the creation. My teachers sometimes joke about that you do not bring down God from the sky and decide over him, instead you surrender. The meeting between the feminine and masculine is central to Tantra.
Here is one definition (of course there are others): A man or woman who feels free, is experiencing meaning in life and has regular access to joy, peace and love is a happy human being.
Pam-pam-pam! Now it comes: THE MEANING OF LIFE! Since I have the answer, I thought perhaps you’d be interested? Who thought that the answer would come from a blonde 33-year-old brat who meditate 20 minutes in the morning? OK enough fouling around, it is perhaps the most important issue is and I’ll humbly play a little with the subject. 😉
It seems almost all people agree that nothing is more important than being happy. For some reason, humans have been endowed with a inner measuring stick of our level of happiness and if we are honest with ourselves, we know how happy or unhappy we are. Money, fame, prestigious family and unlimited sex – everything finally becomes meaningless if we still are not happy. But what is happiness? Everybody uses the word, but the meaning is often unclear, as well how to get there. These are the elements that I believe are essential to happiness.
We are here on earth for a short time to play, create beautiful moments and have a good time together. Yet there are many who take life, themselves and what happens very seriously. Over the years worries, anxiety and seriousness creates deeper and deeper wrinkles in the forehead and between the eyebrows. Default is to see other people as hazards or as a resource one can get something out of. (quote E. Tolle). This may sound harsh, but there are very few relationships that is about unconditional love. A girl friend of mine told me that she often is surprised when she is inside the girls bathroom at night clubs. Here are a lot of girls who looked forward to the evening, spent hours making themselves beautiful and everyone is out to seek contact with others. Despite this, the atmosphere is often hard with bitch-fights and shoulders. Instead of sisterhood girls are competitors. Us men may have better atmosphere inside the bathroom, but we are competing with each other in money and power instead. The pattern that is repeated is that “I am in here, the others are out there. I need this, but am afraid of that and others can help me get what I want or they are in the way. ”
I do not believe that it is possible to command people to love their neighbor, the will must come from within to be genuine. As long as we are convinced that we are separate Egos (see Dictionary), who walks on this earth, we will always look to ourselves first. Some claim that selfishness is necessary for evolution, but people like Buddha, Jesus and Mother Theresa shows that humans can do better than that. In moments of joy we feel the community, when we are still and don’t think about ourselves we find peace, genuine meaning is there when we do something for others, freedom is the absence of borders and love knows no barriers. Do you see the pattern? The ingredients of happiness are all in sharp contrast to the belief in separation, the belief that we are separate beings. Just because people believe something it is not necessarily true, there was a time when everyone thought the earth was flat. Everything is not always as it looks on the surface. For those interested, I wrote a long text in which I as an amateur philosopher believe I prove that separation is an illusion. You can find it under Subject – Philosophy, “Regarding Science and God – that everything is one”.
(The below theory comes from my previous tantric school. I have now learnt that kundalini is not only in the body)
Sexual life energy that is dormant in modern man. It can be awakened so that it flows from the bottom of the spine, through the spine and out through the crown chakra.
There are many different interpretations of what kundalini means, I stick to how we look at it in my tantric tradition. Modern man has become stiff and blocked, natural energies are not flowing freely through us. In courses in my tantric school teachers activate the kundalini of the spine. Another way to put it is that you get back your reflexes in the spinal column. It will react to the touch like when the doctor hits your knee. The result is astonishing for many. Because it is such an important energy channel, the entire body is energized in a new way. For someone who just had their kundalini activated the movements can be almost chaotic, so it is important that an activation is done by very experienced teachers.
When the kundalini is running, the upper body moves a bit like a snake, but it is not you controlling the movements. The experience is that of much more energy in the body, mind is blown out of the skull and you will find it easier to get into spiritual states. If you have an activated kundalini your sex life automatically becomes deeper and if you are a couple where both have kundalini running it can get quite crazy. It seems that the body wants to get rid of all the tension and blockages, if only we can drop our rock hard control. Most likely this is what the kundalini helps doing, the energy flows to break up blockages – as a river breaks dams. As the energy channels widen the movements becomes smaller, large amounts of energy will pass through an experienced practitioner. I can be felt on a distance, but it is no longer visible on the movements.
Your unique talent or gift that you are here on earth to share. Everyone has a Life Purpose and living to fulfill it is the most important thing in life for the masculine.
Both men and women have a masculine side, although it is generally more dominant in men. If you have a masculine core the worst thing you can feel on your deathbed is that you wasted your life, instead of giving your unique gift to the world. (If you have a feminine core the worst thing you can feel on your deathbed is that you did have enough love and intimate relationships in life). Only you can feel inside if you live your Life Purpose. Your LP may also change over time. Few people today know about what their unique gift is and fewer still live by this truth. If you start to use your talent the best way you can to give back to the world and the people around you, things begin falling into place in life and the goal is that everything you do is in line with your LP. This gives a man (or woman) meaning, direction and stability in life. It also makes him deep and trustworthy for others.
(This theory comes from my previous tantric school.) Presence, stillness and attention that eventually leads to an awakening – a state of absolute emptiness and peace. Clarity, insight, stability, control, direction and purpose are examples of masculine qualities. Life purpose is the most important thing in life for the masculine.
Surely you can see a clear image of a masculine leader in front of you. Clear, strong, stable and present. Both men and women have a masculine side, although men naturally want to act from this state a greater amount of time than women (generally, the variation is large). Yoga is a typical masculine practice where the practitioner trains his/her control, balance and serenity. Silent sitting in meditation is also a masculine practice, where you let yourself fall into the emptiness of consciousness. Many professions, especially leadership roles are exercised from a masculine perspective and when you plan your vacation, driving you car and give a presentation, it is your masculine side being in control. A person with a predominantly masculine essence sees his Life Purpose, how he can give his unique gift to the world, as the most important in life.
Continuous masculine practice will make you more calm, give you greater visibility and stronger presence. You don’t stumble, you hear the discussion in the other room and you are clear when you communicate. In today’s Western society, and also within most spiritual traditions there is imbalance because masculine qualities are considered more important than the feminine. Only masculine practice makes you dry, you feel less, get drained of energy and the world will not be as colorful. A champion in silent sitting meditation is safe and quiet while experiencing the world as a dream, but the dream lacks the full touch, adventure, music and love. The meeting between the feminine and masculine is central to Tantra.
Used here as translation of the word Dhyāna from Sanskrit. It is a state with no activity in the body and the mind, with the exception of the body’s natural functions such as the heart and similar. This state can not be described in words, it can not be understood intellectually but only experienced. The entire environment including the body and the senses are perceived as a single unit, a continuous timeless experience without any person involved. It is beautiful and peaceful, it is the opposite of the Ego – meditation and Ego can not coexist.
In 2012 I began to meditate. I clearly did not know what it was since I used the verb meditate. I read a couple of books and headed to the Zen Buddhist center in Stockholm. There I was welcomed by friendly and gentle people, they gave me the introduction and support. With all due respect to Zen, it is a long tradition of fine ancestry, I can understand why the public in modern times are not rushing to to learn meditation. I sat and stared into a wall and was pissed off with myself because I was thinking so much, or struggled to keep my eyes open. After sitting like that for half an hour, it was time to walk around in a circle for five minutes continuing pretending to meditate, before I got to sit down and stare into the wall for another half hour. And so it goes. In a whole week if you so wish. It was not the most fun thing I’ve done.
But seriously, meditation is not funny. Even though the method above may not be the most effective one it works, if you just have the patience. Meditation is the most important thing to evolve spiritually, it is the single most effective medicine for mental health and also helps against physical diseases. Meditation is the basic pillar of spiritualism, so what is it really? It is said that the correct word is actually Dhyāna, as it is called in Sanskrit. The word can not be translated into Western languages, because we simply have no tradition of the state Dhyāna refers to. There is a hint in the language:
“Who am I?” Many believe that the answer is about what I do. “Am” comes from the verb “to be”, which is not really a verb because it is about doing nothing. Just being. That is meditation. I am.
The state can not even be explained in words, but I’ll do the best I can and use the term meditation. In a true meditation, you do nothing. You are in a condition where you do not affect anything around you but just observe what is happening. It can be said to be a talent and it sounds simple, but the fact is that it takes years to master and some’ll never make it. To concentrate on parts of the body is not meditation, neither is visualizing different things. We are so accustomed to being active all the time, that’s the way our mind (and Ego) survives. Stillness of mind is our natural state and it is a huge relief, but modern man has lost that ability. Just see how it looks on the bus or in fast food queue. Not even five minutes, we can allow ourselves to “just be”, we have to turn to the cell phone. We have to be active all the time, otherwise we might have to, horrible thought, feel how we feel!
But this is not the full extent of meditation. We also constantly activate our body unconsciously. I’m not talking about walking, vital activities such as the heart and other entities controlled by the forces of nature. No, I think about how we tense the jaw, frowning, cracking fingers, blinking hard, the lump in the stomach, lump in the throat and subtle pain and contractions in sex and anal. Our poor nervous systems are constantly prepared for something bad to happen, because our nervous system was not allowed to develop in a safe environment in childhood. In many cases, these contractions in the body cause cancer, doctor’s has only recently drawn the link between stress and cancer. When true meditation happens, the normally hyperactive mind is still and the body is relaxed, totally in balance with the environment. It is the only way to know yourself. An experience that could be described as You are (). A peaceful void. I am ( ). That was why I was so lost when I solemnly declared that I now is time for me to meditate. (Ideally, when it was time to do the dishes).
To have the ability to turn off the spinning mind and rest is a blessing that also provides much greater efficiency and creativity. I think most great artists can testify that the creative process does not involve intense thinking, but it is out of emptiness the beauty arises. Over the last years I have experienced a little insight into this infinite state, I have my teachers and Crazy Wisdom to thank for that. It has given me so much more peace, a new life really. I have also understood that a master can be in meditation, even when he speaks or walks, it’s certainly not about just sitting down in any tricky lotus position. I have the greatest respect for Zen, but myself I did not have the patience to do it the long way and that I guess is true for most modern people. There are masters who describes meditation better than I do, here’s a short clip with Mooji who is describing the art of doing nothing – which is meditation.
(This theory comes from my previous tantric school.) The classic 5-10 seconds long orgasm where the energy builds up to a peak, and then disappear. This orgasm is characterized by spastic contractions in the sex, unlike Tantric orgasms which opens the body. The peak orgasm normally occurs when a man ejaculates and a woman is coming on her clitoris.
To avoid the peak orgasm and maintain the sexual energy instead of getting rid of it, is the main ingredient in tantric sex. The biggest reason why tantric sex is not yet widespread across the world is that the addiction for this usual orgasm is so strong, especially among men. The reward is great for those who may have the patience and discipline, the Tantric orgasms are longer, deeper and gives a relaxed feeling in the body without losing the sexual energy. The Peak orgasm is obviously intense and pleasurable, it can also function as a temporary outlet for the stress. However, it comes with a lot of consequences that are difficult to detect, mainly because almost everyone has sex in this way and have nothing else to compare with.
In the short-term the peak orgasm reduces sex drive and desire to cuddle and be close. Everyone knows that the minute before they come they are horny, happy, perhaps in love and want to be close to the one they make love with. The minute after the horniness is gone, you become more tired and especially men would prefer to be by themselves. All the magic disappeared and the feeling of separation is greater.
It is about the balance of neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine, oxytocin and prolactin being disrupted. The Peak orgasm have the primary purpose of spreading the genes and then it is an advantage if a man who has ejaculated in a woman begins to feel irritated, restless, less interested in this woman and more interested in others. But the Peak orgasm is not necessary for reproduction, there are other more relaxed ways in which the semen flows out, for example through stimulation of the prostate. There is much more to read about this and also scientific articles in Subjects – Tantric sex, “No one goes from tantric sex to regular sex.” I myself can testify that I feel much better since I stopped with the peak orgasm, and I have no other reason to share this than that shared joy is double joy.
(This way of praying was being taught in my previous tantric school.) A mental and often verbal construction to acknowledge that we are part of something bigger, to feel more gratitude and to receive guidance in order to act for a better world. The prayer should be personal, and helps us to find our way with our intention.
In my tantric tradition, we are taught to pray according to the following model:
Dear Universe, dear Creation. Thank you so much for allowing me to live in a peaceful country and have friends who care for me. I would like to ask for help to not judge my parents for not listening to what I say. I would also like to pray for peace in Syria. If this is Your will, I pray that Your will be done. Amen.
We can not control the outcome of our actions, there are so many other factors at play and moreover it is difficult to know what the long-term outcome will be. Our intention however we can influence and that is also what determines the quality of what we do. Prayer seems to be the most powerful tool for finding a good intention. Perhaps it is not coincidental that billions of people for thousands of years have used this method? It might seem hokey, but my opinion is that such a simple thing to spontaneously pray in this way, at least once a day, can really change your life. I started in November 2014 so it’s fairly new, but it is already becoming something of a lifestyle. Who knows if anyone is listening out there or not. For me it is more about reshaping the psyche from the selfish “I want” to instead be grateful for what I have and align me to Nature’s flow. Life becomes brighter, more meaningful and we get more flow when we are working for a beautiful world, instead of trying to enrich ourselves at the expense of others. The world is becoming more friendly towards us and we receive more than we give, often in unexpected ways.
I know there are many who are skeptical about praying, partly because it is associated with so much religious hocus-pocus. But as I see it, it’s about slowly transforming the psyche to become less selfish and more functional in the world. It may not take more than 1 minute a day, so the question is: Why not? My teacher also says that we ideally should pronounce the words, even though it may feel embarrassing. It becomes clearer, it is a challenge in itself and who is it really that cares and is ashamed? Only the Ego.
(This theory comes from my previous tantric school.) A practice which does not require any specific faith and seeks to weaken egoistic behavior patterns, in order to experience and return to the natural loving and harmonious state of man kind – a sense of serenity and a vibrant body, without the sense of separation with the environment.
An alternative definition: Spiritualism / Religion / God begins where the intellect ends, where there are no explanations and intellectual answers. The practice seeks to experience these spiritual states.
In this blog I extensively use the word spiritualism, and for those who hate nagging repetitions, like my dad, I apologize. It is only a word. Religion and God are words I avoid because they have been misused so much. What image do you get of someone who is spiritual? Long-haired guy sitting in serious meditation with both legs inhumanly twisted over each other in a so-called full-lotus pose, perhaps? A vegan who grow her own tomatoes in her home which is full of incense, crystals, tarot cards, Buddha statues and profound message embroidered on Indian fabrics. She shouts “Om, chanti, chanti” and cleanse you from evil spirits before you get to step into her apartment. This is of course quite ok, but it is not the essence of spiritualism in my eyes. There are as many definitions of a word as there are interpreters, but I have above all chosen to focus on the practice.
Spirituality being about a practice is important to get anywhere. It hurts and does not happen by itself, but it is worth the effort since an effective practice improves the quality of life. It is in the end the increased peace and happiness that is the true measure of whether you succeed weakening your Ego and becoming less selfish, or if you just created a new identity as pretentious spiritual seeker. Here it is important to be honest with yourself and perhaps even more important to honestly ask friends if they appreciate your personal development. Have you become more genuine, tolerant, cheerful and curious about others? Personally, I have discovered that it is often at times when I believe I am doing great, that I’m in fact most captured in illusions and what my teachers call “the fascination of being me.”
A spiritual practitioners is purposefully working to weaken the egoistic patterns that ultimately aims to avoid psychological pain and chase rewards. We are afraid of the world and at the same time desire to get something out of the same world and this govern our everyday lives. Just look at all people that are burned out, anorexic or overweight, lonely, allergic, depressed, over energetic etc. Soon everyone need a personal psychologist and even psychologists themselves are not healthy. So probably we can conclude that something is wrong with the modern man, but as I wrote in the definition, this is not our natural state. The good news, then, is that behind the Ego is a possibility of the life we long for. Nature is not stupid and would not create us to be miserable, but we have ended up a bit lost. I want to stick my neck out and say that I am sure of this, partly due to my own experiences through practice, but also because I’ve seen hundreds of others break through the curse. At the core of every human being is love and peace.
A spiritual experience is, by definition, beyond thoughts and intellect. Beyond our eternal self-referring monologue in the head. Have you ever experienced superabundantly pure love that a mother can feel for their child? Then you know that no words can do the experience justice and it works the same with spiritual experiences. In fact, true love is of many viewed to be one of the deepest spiritual states. The question is how many people know what true love is today, I myself had zero track up to the age of 31.
You do not need to believe in anything to be spiritual, but it seems easier to pray to something outside yourself. If it then is God, the Universe, Love or Nature is up to each one. The main thing is not to put yourself in the center of the universe, that is the way of the Ego. Being spiritual does not have to imply you sitting in meditation two hours each morning. The little things of everyday life can be just as important, like holding someone in the hand, daring to be vulnerable or to laugh together. Spiritual practice leads to changes in behavior, less egoism and then slowly changing perception of yourself and the world. You have begun to go deeper. You do not change the world by evangelizing, you do it by transmuting yourself and then the beautiful will shine through you into the world.
An enlightened spiritual master experiences no personal suffering, even if he (or she) feels compassion for us. Nothing can upset his mental balance and he feels love for the whole experience, to life itself. Buddha called it Nirvana, freedom from all suffering. I practice in the tradition Crazy Wisdom. It could be a quicker way since the practice is more extreme, but it is also easy to lose yourself in the many pitfalls that exist. Hm, yes. It will probably go nuts in this blog …
In the Western world there is right now a modern type of spiritualism growing, it is diversified but there is a clear break with the old personal God we read about in the Bible or the Koran. I think that’s good. I take it that we are heading back to the original core of all the world religions. I hope I can pull my weight by describing spiritualism more understandable and focus on effective practice rather fuzzy stuff. With the objective that we should all be happier and stop passing on our neuroses to children and grandchildren.
In tantra, various concrete techniques and practices are used to go beyond the Ego to the natural human state. All aspects of being a human being, the masculine, feminine and also sexuality can be used to bring the Tantric practitioner closer to this state. It is a question of how, rather than why. Tantra is in that way quite scientific.
I quite often get the question what tantra is and it is not always easy to explain. Just like there are different types of yoga, there are different types of tantra and everybody will have different interpretations of the word. Sometimes I say that it is about getting back to the same happy, carefree and natural feeling you had as a child on a summer day, in combination with greater insight and a sex life on a whole new level. (Great sales-pitch, where do I sign up?!) 😉 It’s about embracing the whole human psyche and also the whole world and Tantra can give an intense and rapid development. Central to the tantric teaching is the meeting between the masculine and feminine, something we all have within us.
Tantra considers passion, lust and sensory experiences to be essentially clean, unlike how many religions view these. We are here on earth to fully enjoy what life has to offer, but we should do it consciously and not lose ourselves in the physical world. For those who do not have purity in heart and mind the passion becomes an obstacle on the road, instead they say it is important to be motivated by compassion. A tantric master is free from self-reflection in the mind, actively loves his/her surroundings and is also completely free and uninhibited in his/her sexuality. The path to enlightenment requires a fearless confrontation with every aspect of the psyche, including all levels of anger, lust and fear. So, this could be something completely different to meditating in sheets on a mountain or in a monastery, although it obviously nothing wrong about that. Tantra is for the brave (and perhaps crazy) who want to live consciously in the world and participate fully in life’s game, although the game is not always so pleasant and “happy-happy”.
(This theory comes from my previous tantric school.) Orgasms that open the body and makes it more relaxed, unlike the classic male ejaculation and female clitoral orgasm. Tantric orgasms are longer, more satisfying, are felt in a larger part of the body and do not make you lose the lust and energy.
The first and most important step toward tantric sex and tantric orgasms is to refrain from the classic orgasm above, the one we call Peak orgasm. It has that name because you build up tension and sexual energy towards a peak which normally lasts for 5-10 seconds followed by a long valley. This valley of the less lust and vital energy is much longer than many people think. The Peak orgasm is considered by some to be the strongest addiction of mankind, even though it is not necessary for reproduction. (If you instead press on the prostate the sperm will flow out without the pumping contractions, felt like the explosion). It’s a process to get away from the Peak-orgasm, but this process is necessary for those who want to discover the deeper experiences that sex can offer. I recommend an exercise that involves not coming in the usual way for 21 days, but continue to be sexually active. Read more about this under Subjects – Tantric sex.
Repressed emotions, stress, sexual shame and fear has given the modern man tons of blockages and tension in the body. Some of those are seated in the base of the upper body, in and around our genitals. Most people are completely unaware of this. In order to open the body to Tantric orgasms there are massage techniques which in my tradition are called de-armouring. Inside a woman’s vagina there are many spots which feel painful, especially around the cervix. A de-armouring massage removes this pain and instead enables the woman to feel pleasure in those areas. Tantric women have virtually no painful spots in the vagina, they are open to deeper orgasms. Also the rectum in men and women is an area where much fear and tension is seated. There are exercises to relax there too, so that energy can move more feely. If the practitioner’s kundalini is also open in the spine, sexual energy can flow freely throughout the body – leading to full-body-orgasms, which make the ordinary short peak orgasm fade in comparison. The woman has four different nerves that can give her orgasm, the man has three nerves and there are combinations of these that give the various Tantric orgasms. One of them (pudendal nerve) is going to the man’s penis and it is the same nerve leading to the woman’s clitoris. Tantric orgasms opens the body in contrast to the peak orgasm that is based on pumping spasm movements, contractions and tension.
G-spot orgasm (women). The woman’s G-spot is a few centimeters into the vagina on the front wall, the one towards the stomach. The spot is less smooth than the surrounding area, it feels a bit like sandpaper. If the woman is de-armoured here she can get strong and long orgasms from stimulation. After delicate soft warming up the spot can be pumped hard with for example the long side of the middle finger and ring finger (they should not be bent).
G-spot orgasm (men). The man’s G-spot is located on the prostate 5-8 cm inside the rectum, on the wall against the penis. If the man is relaxed, he can through stimulation of this point have several minutes long orgasms without ejaculation, ie without losing energy. The G-spot orgasm goes through the same nerve for men av women (hypogastric nerve).
Valley orgasm (men & women). When the peak orgasm is avoided, one can learn to be on 80%, then 90% and even up to 99% of a regular orgasm. Relaxation is crucial, the slightest tension or contraction will make you “miss” and then it is game over. It takes time to learn and play it on the safe side, but with time you can learn to “orgasm surf” minute after minute.
Anal orgasm (men & women). In the rectum in both men and women passes the pelvic nerve. When stimulated this nerve can can give long, pleasurable orgasms.
Full body orgasm (men & women). When several nerves are stimulated simultaneously, which in practice means that both anal and sex is stimulated, we can go into full-body-orgasms. They may last up to 20 minutes and when it is really intense every cell in the body feels orgasmic, from the tip of the finger and the crown chakra to the lips and spine. However, it requires a deep relaxation in the body, the slightest overexcitement will makes you miss (get a peak orgasm = game over).
Cervix & Womb Orgasm (women). A woman’s cervis can become at least five times hornier than her clitoris. If she is dearmorerad she will feel pleasure when a man presses against her cervix with his penis. It is as if they were made for each other, and if the man can manage to lead all the energy that comes from a woman’s cervix, she can go into a cervical orgasm that could last up to five minutes. She experiences ecstasy and it bubbles up from the vagina to the heart that opens in love. If the woman is sufficiently open and relaxed the cervix can slowly opened to a whole new dimension of horniness. It is said to be five times stronger than arousal in the clitoris and it can sometimes also be a release of anger or tears. This is womb orgasm, by my female Tantric teacher described as the “Holy Grail” of orgasms. It is a deep spiritual experience, it can last for 20-25 minutes and be felt in the body for up to three days afterwards. Believe it or not, but a woman capable of womb orgasms may also give birth in orgasm, with minimal pain. See for example orgasmicbirth.com for more information. No man who is used to the peak orgamsen can come close to giving a woman such orgasms, he will ejaculate (game over) directly when the energy is getting intense. In these orgasm three nerves are stimulated at the same time (hypogastric, pelvic and vagus nerves).
Perpetual Peak orgasm (men & women). This is a completely new kind of orgasm that was discovered by some tantric friends in 2014. There seems to be no other information to get hold of it. The nerve that goes to the penis and clitoris is called the pudendal nerve. It is the stimulus of that which gives the classic peak orgasm. Some Tantric practitioners have, however, managed to relax so much in the body that stimulation of this nerve does not raise the usual contractions that occur during ejaculation and ordinary clitoral orgasm. The result is the same type of orgasm, but the body is completely relaxed and the orgasm will therefore continue – in the whole body! However, it is an extremely difficult art, being unobservant or tensing your body will make you miss and then it’s over. Difficult, yes, but why settle for a 5-second spasm-orgasm with spray when you can get the same orgasm for ten minutes without losing lust for sex and life?
For the skeptical reader, this may sound like hocus-pocus. I agree, it’s magic. But, I can promise you that it is true.
(This theory comes from my previous tantric school.) An experience of relaxed sexual energy taking over the body and this can be enjoyed alone, in pairs or in groups. The classic peak orgasm, the man’s ejaculation and the woman’s clitoral orgasm, is completely avoided. That enables having sex without a clear end point and being able to experience other deeper, longer and more satisfying orgasms.
You can read more about the direct experience of tantric sex under Subjects – Tantric sex, here’s a more theoretical description. I often get the question what tantric sex is and it is a bit tricky to explain. A bit like intellectually try to explain to someone what humor is. Humor is something completely different than debating, but one must experience the direct joy in first person to get it. Classic sex, as I have had for the vast majority of my life tends to be a sometimes mechanical journey towards the short, so-called peak orgasm. It is called so because it is a peak followed by a valley where sexual lust and also the lust to be close to each other decreases. This becomes clearer as we grow older. Classical sex is mechanical in that it involves various postures and techniques, jerking off hard and fast or pushing a vibrator on the clitoris. The peak orgasm creates contractions and tension in the body, while tantric sex is about relaxation.
When the peak orgasm is avoided the lovers do not lose energy, instead energy builds up and is circulating in the body and also between the bodies. The absence of a goal and end point makes every moment to a goal in itself. The presence is much deeper, you feel more in your body and over time you can learn to get completely unimaginable orgasms. I did not really believe this until I got to experience my first minute-long full-body-orgasm. Afterwards I lay there in awe. What the hell just happened? Why has no one told me about this in the school sexual education?!
In my tantric tradition we have so far discovered that men are capable of five different types of Tantric orgasms. Women are even better off with seven Tantric orgasms, where the womb orgasm is described as “the Holy Grail of orgasms”. My female friends who experienced it says it can last for more than 20 minutes, and the exciting, engaging and lovely aftershocks are felt in the body for up to three days afterwards. Couples who have tantric sex generally continues to be attracted to each other, even after multiple births and many years of marriage. Intercourse is normally at least an hour, but the need for sleep decreases as much.
We are full of tension in the body, most of the tension we do not even know of. In the woman’s vagina and in both men’s and women’s anus there are tense, painful knots from various sexual and emotional shocks. Tantric sex is about relaxing this tension and letting the energy flow in a natural way. Instead of planning the next movement bodies begin to move by themselves. Time and space disappear bit by bit and in deep moments the lovers may experience they are like a unified loving energy playing with itself in space. It is something quite different to the sport-jerking-off Duracell bunny of the porn films, with the mandatory cumming in the face …