In the relations of the future we develop to foster free, natural and happy children
[This text was written in August 2015 – some of my ideas and my style has changed a bit since then. But I will keep this as I wrote it.] Do you have it or are you looking for the perfect relationship? You grow as people, supporting each other’s meaningful projects, give each other total freedom to do what feels right, have complete trust and experience heavenly sex, deep peace, bubbling joy and beautiful love together. Probably not, but how many such relationships are there in today’s society? Whatever the answer to that question, I see no reason not to strive for such a relationship, in order to give our future children the best possible start in life.Read More
Babyface comment: This text was written in August 2015, so it mirrors my view on relations when launching this blog. Today I would probably be less categorical and also less provoking, but I find it interesting to keep it as it is to see how my opinion and way of expressing myself has changed.
Since all my relationships have been amazing, you only need to read the text and do exactly as I say, and yours will be amazing too. Or not … To begin with, I want to state that I am not a relationship expert. I have no experience of a long, perfect relationship as described above. How is it then that I still confidently, think I can give you something new and valuable in this text? I have experience from a variety of relationships, which certainly all been fine in their own way, but where I especially can confirm that we had the same problem as almost all other couples. Where there are problems, there are of course solutions, and since I started on my spiritual journey things have begun to become more clear. Most of the insights and ideas that I write about are from my teachers, their teachers and the books I read written by spiritual masters. Human relationships are perhaps the most difficult thing there is to master and to have humility for the topic is important. But there’s probably nothing we value higher and that is why I am so excited to spread the ideas I have collected.
Since I seriously started working on myself, I can say that also my relationships have developed. It has been some years as a single, but I get much closer to the girls I meet now than I was capable of a few years ago. Friendship relations are also deeper and more authentic. We look in each other’s eyes in a new way, and the laughs are more heartfelt. Some relationships disappear, which is quite natural when I developed because it is impossible to develop in the same direction as all my friends. Although this publication will focus mainly on the intimate relationship and the relationship to the child, it is clear that these can not be isolated from other relationships. Finally the quality of all our relationships are determined by the way we view ourselves and our place in the world.
In this text, I speak mainly to our common sense and logical thinking. If something does not sound sensible or logical, it is normally because it is not entirely true. In our relationships we are, however, so lost in our emotions that we do not see clearly. It is much easier to see that the neighbor’s wife is a nagging bitch, or that my girlfriend’s new boyfriend is a Mr know-it-all. But when it comes to ourselves, we don’t see our own pattern. Especially not in relationships, because they stir up all hopes and dreams but also the wounds and pains of childhood. Then it can be difficult to think logically. But if we can manage to put ourselves outside of the situation, so that it is not about us, usually most are able to ensure the sound and logical. If you feel emotionally triggered by something in this text, it may be a sign that your image of how things should be is challenged. I ask that you not take it personal, but try to see if there might, after all, be a certain logic in what you read.
Trying to see the situations we are in from the outside is a very good exercise that many avoid. But if I look at my girlfriend and myself from the outside when we quarrel the picture becomes clearer, I let down my defenses and manage to be objective, logical and solution oriented. However, we do not want it to be just two heads trying to come close to each other, as is the case in most relationships today. We have lost touch with the heart and body, instead we blindly trust our own thoughts, that voice inside our head. That voice has no idea how to get the perfect relationship, in such case, you had already been there. It can be difficult to distinguish between what is logical thinking and what the voice in the head is saying. Then it is best to ask others for advice, ask others who are objective and not emotionally involved.
I mentioned wounds and pain from childhood. We are all shaped by our childhood. Some remember it as light, some remember the terrible things and many hardly remember anything. Generally, we want to remember the positive and the fact that we do not remember everything in detail, often have to do with us being wounded. Our parents were normally well-meaning and did the best they could, but no one is perfect. They may look far from perfect if you look at them today? They are shaped by their parents, who in turn did the best they could with their ability. What happened when we were little influence us today to a greater extent than most believe. Certainly, we may have great memories from childhood, I have lots. But that does not mean that we did not also become frightened and wounded. An hour alone in a room can feel like deepest eternal fear for a one year old, even though it’s not something we remember today. But it is in our nervous system. If we do not know ourselves in depth, we will act unconsciously. It’s like our still unhealed wounds from childhood infiltrate our actions. Unconscious behavior can not create relationships with unconditional love. We want to heal our wounds to be able to give unconditionally to our partners. How else will our children be able to learn it?
2 Oddities in today’s love relationships
Find the one that’s perfect for me
If I look back at my relationships I remember, and perhaps especially during the time when I was looking for a relationship, a distinct pattern that I also see in almost everybody else. It was an idea that; “I am like this and that and now I just need to find someone who is perfect for me.” I also had templates of how a perfect girl would be, for example the Big 6; Good-looking, Sexy, Smart, Fun, Sweet and Kind. That should be easy to find?! Jokes aside, no-one can live up to templates. It becomes impossible both for the girl I meet, and for myself. But the fact is that almost all people believe that there is someone out there that is perfect just for them.
That we go around and carry a lot of destructive relationship patterns, where we either are copying or protesting against our parents, is not something we are particularly aware of. The only problem is that when we ‘hit the right “, it is often that our habitual patterns find another pattern that feels familiar. A clear example of this is the classic where a woman who grew up in a home where the father was physically violent, seek out a man who is also violent. This behavior is scientifically proven, the question is why it would work differently with mental patterns? If we had a mother who was controlling, so we will probably look for something similar, or vice versa, a hippie-girl who does not care about anything. If the girl above who was beaten leave the violent guy (which we hope), it is common that she instead seek out a guy who is kind but does not dare to say no. This wont make her happy either. Whatever the way, patterns from our childhood relationships are mirrored in our adult relationships. We unconsciously copy what we have learned or protest against it, thus we are not free.
Some will never find a partner it seems. They find it hard to relax, to be vulnerable, to show their feelings and might be more ashamed and blocked in their sexuality. Others seem to easily find new partners. They go from relationship to relationship, but it may as well be because they are afraid to be alone. Obviously, it is good for you to occasionally have time for yourself to discover who you are. Would it not be better to first feel safe, to see your parent’s behavior patterns in yourself and make a conscious choice to work with these patterns, instead of hoping that some perfect person will enter your life and solve everything? My other half to make me whole. How could anyone be able to make us whole, talk about impossible task. Can you make anybody else whole? Expectations always carry a concealed disappointment.
Two walking stories are together
I have some neighbors who probably have been married for 40 years, we can call her F and him M. He is very likeable and intelligent and she has a pretty fun and sharp humor. When they are not together. When they are together, she hacks him and is directly rude and he will be small and sighs resignedly. Over the years, their roles have become increasingly ingrained and now it’s on total autopilot. I noticed that F had a friend who visited and when they sat on the pier, the friend said that it probably would be rain in the evening. “No problem, said F, then we simply cook the food in the house.” I really noticed how positive she sounded. A few days later F and M sat on the same pier together and he looked up at the clouds growing ever higher. “It looks like there could be a storm,” he said bluntly. “Why are you always so damned negative,” she snapped in reply. And he just kept silent.
The situations were virtually identical, but the woman’s reaction is fundamentally different. This is because we are asleep. We are trapped in a dream where we believe in a lot of stories about ourselves and those we associate with. If the woman had been awake and present, instead of having a predetermined setting based on who she associates with, she had probably reacted the same in the examples above. But instead of looking at our loved ones with curious and awake eyes, we treat them according to our programmed history. We already know everything about them. It’s like two walking stories dealing with each other (quote E. Tolle). This is particularly evident with those who are closest to us. But why not face your partner, your parents or siblings as if it was the first time you saw them? See them and listen to them properly, it may not have happened in several years.
We value society’s template higher than honesty
You might think the above examples are extreme and that you have a better situation. This I can not exclude, but regardless of that you are part of a society where divorce is more common than functional marriages. If we are to be open and not have templates for how our partners should be, why should we buy in to society’s template? How many are there who are getting married, having children, villa, Volvo and dog just because it’s expected of them? Same aunts and uncles who, with important faces, after highschool asked you; “What will you do now?” Asks a few years later, “Have you found someone?”, Followed by “Has he proposed yet?”, Followed by “How many children would you like?”
It is not easy to resist, particularly for girls as they have the biological clock that they must take into account. That is important! The question is why it’s so damned important? There seems to be no shortage of people on this earth and there are probably a couple hundred million street children to take care of, rather than worrying about their biological clock. There have been anonymous surveys indicating that over 80% of all men are persuaded by their women to have children, although men later believe or say that it was their own will. Women on their part, are first pushed by the family and then by their girlfriends that are ahead and already managed to buy the new double baby buggy… OK, take it easy now. I am not against having children. If it is an informed and conscious choice. But there are so many parts of our relations that are unconscious, choices we think we do ourselves but in fact are made by the environment around us.
Marriage is an interesting example. Even today, it is expected in most circles that you ever going to be married. That is signing a contract to prove that you really love the other person. Next, we have a wedding party following a form, where we promise each other things for life. No personal promises that feels true just for us, but promises according to a template that was written by ordinary people a very long time ago. When the model of those promises was written man died on average at the age of 40 years. Today, we get more than twice as old and there are plenty of more temptations… The ego-enhancing template for wedding parties is a capital in itself, here I will focus on the promises solemnly made before a congregation and maybe even a priest, God and all angels of the sky. We promise to love each other and be faithful to each other until death do us part. Wait a minute, that’s an impossible promise to deliver to another person, especially at a young age. Life is long, and a lot of things happen in a relationship. Children come and with them follow tight schedules and sleepless nights. One gets sick, the other loses his job, sex life is suffering and the new sexy receptionist happened to end up next to me at the office party. Why enter into marriage with a solemn promise, which both parties deep down know, that they have no idea if they can keep or not? It’s almost like starting with a lie.
I think there is a misconception about what love is here and I’ve read a beautiful book by Osho (Love, Freedom, Aloneness) where he puts his finger on it. A deep moment of love is timeless and therefore eternal. There is a promise there to love forever, that’s how it feels in the moment. But it is because love is such, it is rather love which promises it to love itself. Not James who promises it to Melissa. To clarify, I want to say that I am not against having a nice ceremony to declare love, nor am I against great parties. But following templates are, by definition impersonal, to cover this truth with the word tradition is not good enough. Sure you can say that it’s symbolism we are doing in the church, but because almost no one gets the scope of what the symbolism refers to, it is well advised to use this fine moment and promise each other something relevant. Like: “I love you right now with all my heart. I promise to respect you, to be completely honest with you and do my best to make you grow as a human being. I promise to do my best as long as we’re together and not hinder you if someone shows up who is better for you.” That is unconditional love, what a beautiful foundation for a relationship if both promised each other something like that!
Today divorce is regarded as a failure. That is what happens when you promise something you can not keep. Since a majority of all marriages end in divorce, society is full of failures. One problem in most long relationships is lover’s taking each other for granted. It is of course not good and reasonably the tendency is reinforced by the existence of a forced, given template about continuing until death do part. Patterns of behavior are taken for granted, instead of curiously looking at the one who has chosen to be with you right now. Maybe it will be someone else in a year. Why should there be a failure to have ten, hopefully, great years with someone, and then have a few years of your own time and after this 25 years with someone else? It just depends on expectations. The family’s, friends’ and society’s expectations. I do not mean that we should change partners all the time, obviously you can not go deep in such case. It takes time to dare to go deep with someone. To support this it is good to have a sound basis for the relationship with relevant promises of unconditional love, rather than locking each other up. If it does not work, you can ask yourself if it’s more important to keep the relationship together, or if both parties can support each other to continue to develop as a free and happy people. The answer is the same, with or without children. Children benefit if parents feel good, and everyone feels good living in truth and only promise what they can deliver.
Harmony is valued higher than personal development
Many who have experience from longer relationships says that it is about compromising. “You can not always get your own way, it’s a give and take”. This may be true, but it can also be a pretext to avoid the conflicts that constantly lies beneath the surface. In Western societies, we want harmony at all costs and it is also true in our relationships. But there is a difference between following your partner to buy her clothes because you love to see her happy, or to do it because it’s simply your turn. The latter type of compromise always comes with a price. I talked with a friend about this a fine summer day. He is married to an attractive woman, has one child and earn a lot of money. The life most dream of. He noted that he and his wife are trying to avoid conflict by compromising, but sometimes it does not work and if there will be fights, it is always about conditions. I’ve done this and you have not done that. Unfulfilled conditions, based on expectations, and so we try to compromise ourselves to something both can live with. This creates a temporary harmony. In some relationships, it is one that almost always gets to decide, while the other submits. Then compromising does not work at all. People who want to grow and develop work differently. One effective way is to do the opposite of your normal behavior. So if you have a strong will, you can practice to encourage your partner to decide, and if you’re a wimp, you practice to stand up for yourself. It can create some interesting situations to learn from, guaranteed more interesting than compromising into harmony. The key here is to not seek a harmony that covers the hidden frustrations, annoyances and sorrows.
Harmony is of course preferable to conflict, but if harmony is made to the highest goal the relationship will not develop. There are lots of challenges in all relationships, given that there is a desire for passion, humor and adventure left. From these challenges individuals and the relationship can grow. In my previous relationships there were always a degree of jealousy involved. Usually, the girl was jealous of my ex or another girl from my history, while I was more worried about the nice bartender or the charming manager at work. Some pretend that they are not interested in others, “I only see you.” But we all know that it is impossible to go through life without being attracted to a lot of people. As my teacher used to say, “nobody is masturbating to monogamy, same old partner year after year” … Instead of facing reality, it is common for couples to repress their sexuality, or having a secret affair. Lies are preferred instead of telling the truth to the partner and risk upsetting the harmony. But how could that help you really close to each other? I sat next to a man at a wedding, who told me that he and his wife sit down once a year and tell each other who else they want to sleep with. “Good thing!” I exclaimed impressed. Burning jealousy, being honest and coming closer to each other. The next step could be to out of unconditional love invite the person who your partner is attracted to. It is perhaps too much for most, but I know people who do this too.
There is so much we are dissatisfied with in our relations. One is stingy, the other has no self-distance and so it was – you guessed it, the sex life. In anonymous surveys among couples viewer found that over 90% think that sex life is important, and that over 70% are dissatisfied. After the honeymoon, that lasts longer for some, the sex life becomes increasingly routine. That tantric sex is the best medicine for that I do not doubt for a second, but the topic here is not sex. The problem again is that no one wants to disturb the “harmony” in the relationship. “What if my partner knew what I am fantasying, he would become sad or angry.” At the moment, I have been dating a girl for about four months. We continually tell each other about our fantasies and using it as fuel in our sex life. It becomes both more attractive and, above all, greater relaxation in the relationship when jealousy and secrets are not piled up under the surface. Jealousy is not like some believe a necessary evil if you are in love. On the contrary, it depends on the idea that we own each other and that someone else is interested in my property. How nice wouldn’t it be to be able to enjoy that our partner gets picked up by charming admirers, instead of feeling threatened? Transparency is crucial in all parts of the relationship. If honesty is combined with a genuine wish to outgrow selfish behavior, the relationship can reach unimaginable heights. It may not be harmony all the time, but it will be more genuine.
3 Love relationships of the future
Become the perfect partner instead of searching for one
Unconsciously, I have probably always been looking for the perfect life. It was for many years a hunt that I finally realized wasn’t making me happy. In recent years I have tried to be a better person and the interesting thing is that my life quality simultaneously also has become better. I have more flow. What if it works the same in relationships too! If, instead of looking for the perfect person to come into our lives to make us whole, we could begin to make an effort to become like the one we yearn for. Unconsciously, this is probably what I have been doing for a while. Through therapy, books, courses, and above all my teachers advices, I have begun to grind away my selfish patterns and develop my talents and interests.
I try to: Be generous where I earlier was stingy, calm down instead of excusing myself with talk about poor patience, listen instead of asserting myself, wash someone else’s dishes when I previously only took care of my own, give a massage instead of waiting for one, bring the silverware and glasses for everyone and not only for me, having fun with my date instead of thinking about how I can get her home and develop my sex life to be able to give the girl an enjoyable experience, instead of selfishly continuing with a mediocre sex life which primarily was about coming in as many girls as possible.
Of course, everything was not all bad before, and I’m far from perfect now, but I am sure that I am a much better, more confident and more loving boyfriend today than a few years ago. And it shows in the relationships. I do not hunt like before, instead nicer and nicer people show up by themselves. Insha’Allah!
Actually, it is obvious. Everyone wants to have a partner that has a drive with personal interests, is confident in oneself instead of jealous, good in bed, funny and loving. Such a person does not need to look for the perfect girl- or boyfriend. Life is good as it is and you will attract others. The only problem is that it does not go by itself to develop as a person. It is tedious. Otherwise everyone would do it. But rather than expecting the world, society, your parents or your current or future partner to make you happy, it’s better to put the responsibility on the only person really responsible. Yourself. In my opinion it is essential for future relations that anyone involved has decided that the highest goal is to continue to develop as person. “It sounds self-absorbed,” I hear someone say. That could have been, but it is not true because one of the most important characteristics of a highly developed human being is that she is generous, compassionate and loving towards her environment. Your close relationships can serve as a mirror of your development. If you experience deeper friendship, more joy, more trust and relaxation, more passion but less jealousy – then these are clear signs that you are developing in a positive direction.
3rd Stage relationship
The term is invented by David Deida and refers to a way of life in which you are practicing to give to your intimate partner and to your surroundings without expecting anything in return, consequently unconditional love. The main purpose of the relationship is to grow as people and that includes lovingly violating each other’s boundaries to confront and transcend fears and desires, hence increasing the freedom and comfort zone. In 3rd stage you can give your gift to the world both from your masculine and feminine side.
For us to be able to develop to our full potential, it is essential that we allow all parts of our character to be nourished. According to the Tantric approach everyone have a masculine and a feminine side, but few of us develop both. 3rd Stage relationship is a term that my teacher’s teacher David Deida uses. From there I get a part of my inspiration, but I also mix in other things I have learned and my own insights. I see the term as synonymous with love relationships of the future, where I would like to highlight three areas:
- You have both set as the highest goals to develop individually to become better people
- You practice unconditional love
- You separately and together develop both your masculine and feminine side and are use them to create polarity between you
To give you a better picture of what these and especially number 3 mean I’ll give you a background to David Deidas model. This is my interpretation, for those who want to immerse themselves I recommend his books. He has written several bestsellers and has invented a terminology called 1st, 2nd and 3rd stage relationship. To understand the whole picture, I will attempt to give a brief explanation of the steps. What is central is that both men and women have a masculine and a feminine side. If we are free, men generally (there are all kinds of variations) want to act from their masculine side a greater part of the time, and women generally want to be in their feminine energy greater part of the time. But many of us have lost touch with our natural instincts and might not feel at home in any of the two aspects of being human.
1st Stage relationship. This is how relations worked in the older days and still do in some countries today. There is polarity in the relationship, which means that passion is possible, but the relationship is not healthy:
- The woman is immaturely feminine and submits to man’s will. She does not stand up for her real needs and are not confident in her feminine core
- The man is masculine, but in a low developed way and decide over the woman. He does it according to his own selfish needs and is not confident in his masculine core
2nd Stage relationship. This is by far the most common type of relationship in Sweden and the Western world. There has been a development that certainly is preferable to the 1st stage. The key in this stage is to always strive for harmony in the relationship and even treat each other like best friends:
- The woman has developed her masculine side, she can go dressed in costume, be the CEO of large enterprises, manage family finances and determine where the holiday is celebrated
- The man has developed his feminine side and can now help take care of the children, clean the home and talk about feelings
2nd stage is about respecting each other’s boundaries and thereby creating harmony. The problem in the 2nd stage is that the polarity is often lost when the honeymoon is over and in addition the couple and the individuals do not develop, since they constantly stay within their comfort zone. The problem in the 2nd stage is that the polarity is often lost when the honeymoon period is over. Equality leads to everybody being similar, becoming buddies instead of a hot loving couple. It is also common that the woman becomes kind of a mother for the man and that the man feels guilty. Passion and sex life obviously suffers, with the result that both parties feel unsatisfied and bored. Infidelity and divorces have become standard. In addition, many women are burnt out by having to be in control both at work and at home. In the attempt to become as equal as possible, the man has lost his masculine core and the woman has lost her feminine radiance. Equality, that everyone should have the same opportunities, is of course something positive. But perhaps it has gone too far when we do not want to admit that we also appreciate the differences.
3rd stage relationship. Central to the relationship is that both parties are committed to primarily develop as humans beings. This i partly done through lovingly violating each other’s boundaries, to confront and move beyond fears and desires that often originate from childhood. This increases the comfort zone and the relationship is more about what you can give than what you can get, because you want to see your partner reach his/her full potential. You give your partner the same rights that you would give to your best friend. It might not sound very advanced, but the fact is that virtually no one is doing this today. If our beloved, for example, behaves in a way that makes us jealous, it is normal to require him or her to stop doing that. While our partner may just have a little fun and be charmed by some admirer. We do not want to meet and feel our own fears, instead we give in to the need for control and ownership. You would not do that to your best friend, would you?
In this relationship, it is important to be honest to yourself and your partner about how you feel, rather than to seek harmony. It allows both parties to grow as human beings and thus the relationship flourishes. Polarity between the masculine and feminine is embraced, to increase the attraction:
- The woman has found her natural femininity again. She is like a spontaneous and joyful dancing child, she is comfortable in the different feminine energies (also the dark ones) and unrestrained in her sexuality which gives her an amazing charisma. She enjoys letting herself be led and looked after, but in return, willing to make it beautiful around her and also making herself attractive to her surroundings. Furthermore, the woman is comfortable with, when the situation calls for it, going into the masculine energy to make important decisions. She may therefore still make a career as CEO or politician in a suit, but she does not get burned out since she can regain energy in her feminine, lovingly lead by her masculine man
- The man has regained command over himself and found his masculine core. When he is in his masculine he is very present with the woman, makes all the major decisions in the relationship, but he does not do it for his own needs. Instead, he tries to guess what can make the woman happy since his greatest wish is to open her in love. He is strong, secure and the deep man that his woman can trust. But even the man finally becomes drained of energy by constantly being in his masculine and he is therefore comfortable going into his feminine. He can still decorate the home and pick up the kids at daycare, and maybe, he even dares to put on a nice dress to surprise his woman and create tension in the relationship
In the 3rd stage, both the man and the woman get total outlet for all their potential as human beings. They choose to actively create polarity, which means that the passion does not disappear with age. On the contrary it may even increase. They are not best friends, there are others who have those roles. Instead, they are lovers, just as they were when the romance arose. Generally it is said that a woman naturally would chose to be 80% of the time in her feminine and 20% in her masculine and the average man the reverse. However, there are all sorts of variations, an example is Margaret Thatcher who thrived in the masculine most of the time.
Myself I seem to enjoy being in my masculine 60-70% of the time, so it would be good for me to be together with a girl who wants to be in her feminine 60-70% of the time, to create polarity. In my recent long relationship my girlfriend rather wanted go to the Spa while I wanted to ski. It meant that I was opposed to the whole Spa concept and made fun of girls wasting their time there. But since I got to know my feminine side (and named her to Erika) I have begun to appreciate the spa, beauty treatments, delicately painted nails and other nice things. It’s really nice and I still enjoy skiing. 😉
A couple who practice 3rd stage normally has decided who is “husbanding” the other, that means who is leading from the masculine and who follows. But the couple also uses “reversed polarity”, where they switch roles and then the woman husbands the man who in turn enters his feminine. This gives an extra spice and moreover it creates a greater understanding of each other. Continuous constructive feedback is crucial for the relationship to flourish. To sign a contract about the rules and expectations on each other in the relationship is highly recommended. Most people enter a relationship with a picture of what they want, but it is not shown until after a while. With a contract the transparency is total, there is a consensus on the purpose of the relationship and the risk of being disappointed is reduced. An intimate relationship is often life-changing, it is not wise to not write down the framework on a paper, but instead expect the other to adapt.
3rd Stage relationships are extremely rare today, it is said that only 1 in 100 actually understand what it is all about and even fewer are ready to practice it. But I believe and hope that this can change quickly. I have closely witnessed couples with several children who managed to get the spark back into their relationship and cuddle as if they were teenagers in love. I have also tentatively tested the practice myself, and it’s really fun, exciting and sexy.
Feedback from others is important
“You can not hear yourself,” I remember my father saying to me when I was a teenager. I hated to hear him say it. Today I understand better what he meant. Probably I sounded really rude and if I would have heard a recording of myself, it would have been become obvious. Most of us do not like to hear ourselves on sound recordings and even worse to see ourselves on film. It’s so embarrassing! The question is why it would be embarrassing, why do we feel ashamed to see ourselves?
Today, the answer is obvious to me. It is only when we see ourselves from the outside, it becomes clear how fake we are. The voice sounds strangly geeky because of a tense throat due to stress, we smile nervously, stretch our back unnaturally to win respect, unconsciously enter into a debate to show we are right or hiding in order not to be seen. This is clearly visible from the outside. But we do not see ourselves. My teacher usually asks the audience how long time it takes for them to see whether their partner is in a good or bad mood. A second is the usual response, it can be seen very clearly from outside. But the partner may still with certainty assert that all is well. Some can walk around for hours, days and even lives without knowing that they are stressed, rude, abusive and negative.
It is for this reason that all serious spiritual practitioners and all others who also want to develop as human beings, are open to feedback from others. Not only open, you should actively ask for it. Ultimately, you must make your own decisions, but good advice is very valuable. Especially from those who know you well like your partner, siblings, best friends and why not your own parents. I asked dad for constructive criticism of my behavior a few months ago. Not only did I get very useful information, he was also delighted and honored that I asked. It brought us closer together.
So we loseourselves as individuals in our self-deceptions, and so we do also as couples. In my school, we have an expression for it, “Cult of pairs”. If we do not get coaching from the outside, our Ego, i.e. our defense behaviors, probably will select a partner with defense behaviors that do not challenge our own. Then we go into a private bubble where our common pattern is cemented, as in the example with the couple who had been married for 40 years. That is why a couple who practice 3rd Stage realtion have a group of trained friends who can provide constructive feedback on their behavior. This is to avoid, for others obvious negative behaviors, like jealousy, controlling, making the other small, disinterest and even other more elusive as the lack of attention or Romantic Dreaming.
Romantic dreaming is something that almost everyone is engaged in, and many also think is nice. The problem is that it comes with a price. I met a girl for a couple of summer months and suddenly I had built up a story that she would go a tantric course in my school and travel with me during the winter. These things can of course happen and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I had put expectations on her and our life together. In fact, as soon as you in your head are trying to fit another person into your own future life, you are by definition doing Romatic dreaming. Some are extreme, they can already after the first date start planning how they want to change the curtains in the home of the other, think about how the family will receive, paint pictures of the honeymoon and wonder how many children the other could want. All such expectations are predestined to create disappointment and therefore Romantic dreaming should be avoided completely. To plan the future together is of course nothing wrong, but it goes without saying that it may be foolish to plan and to even think years in advance after a few months of dating. The future is, as everyone knows unpredictable. For those couples who dare to receive feedback from the outside, the risk is dramatically decreased to get caught up in their own negative patterns such as cult of pairs, drama or surrealistic dreams.
The intention is crucial and promise to something that is sacred to you
OK, you and your partner have the sincere intention that you want to give the other love without putting up conditions and moreover, you are both open to at all costs learn to become better people. It gives an entirely different basis for a relationship. We can take conflicts as an example. In a passionate relationship there will invariably turn up conflicts and that is absolutely no sign that the relationship is unhealthy. The key is how to solve the conflict. I get angry at you for coming home late without hearing from you, so that I had to take care of them yourself. Then you will be angry at me because I did so yesterday, but did not apologize. The conflict has started. I feel angry, but also anxiety and tears are pushing. But somewhere inside me I know I am triggered and then I know that I’m not thinking clearly. “Time out, I’m triggered”. Somewhere there’s a willingness to understand why I am riled up, to learn, so that I can meet my love with an open heart. This is more important than winning the battle, because I want to develop. It may be good to have a code word in the relationship when one is triggered and the one that says the code word first during a conflict, is usually the one who had the highest awareness at the moment. The single most effective way to unite and heal wounds from childhood, is daring to make yourself vulnerable instead of defending its position. “I’m really angry and sad now, I am triggered. Please, can you hold me? ” If you say it frankly and in a vulnerable way, your partner will soften and hold you. Otherwise, you’re with the wrong person.
Now we have come quite far. We have two people who both have the intention to develop. This includes trying to give unconditionally and to promote the polarity between the masculine and feminine to get to enjoy passion. What are the guarantees? None really, but there is one aspect that can increase the likelihood that the relationship will flourish. A businessman and friend of mine said that the logic of negotiation in business also applies in relationships. When there is trouble and difficulties, it is exclusively about two parties fighting over positions. It is important to instead look at the interests or objectives of the parties. Most often the objectives are similar and when both see this, it becomes much easier to be constructive to agree. It is better to discuss common interests and goals, rather than positions.
So what is the point here? There will balance if you want to be with someone who has the same goals as you and the same strength in their promise to achieve this goal. It is super if both have as their highest objective to develop, but who will you promise it to so that it is not just empty words? To promise it to the other is equally uncertain as to promise it to yourself. The ego will always infiltrate, so that you unknowingly have yourself as the highest priority. That’s when you have a benefit of believing in something bigger than yourself. Do you believe in God promise to God, it will not be holier than that. Most people in the West do not believe in God according to the traditional view, but if you can not think of anything greater or more important than your own person, it becomes impossible to give unconditional love to someone else. I do not use the word God myself, but I know that there is something more sacred than me and my personal history. When I promise something to the Universe, the Source, Nature and Creation, I can not lie. You could promise to humanity, to love itself or perhaps to your children – born or unborn. The important thing is that it is a sacred promise to you. If I get together with a girl who has something she holds holier than herself, and she promises to that Holy thing to do her best to make me happy, then I know that I can trust her. Nothing is more important than trust in a relationship.
4 Prepare for kids – yours or your best friend’s
Are you really going to have children?
Now the message will be a little harder. Earth is overpopulated because there is a greed around the “getting” children. It belongs to the template that everyone should have children and this is according to my teacher perhaps the most unconscious programming of all. This is not a popular opinion, many feel threatened and become directly pissed off when they hear that someone is not interested in having children. Most parents are not adequate for the task, they can not give their children the love, security, attention and freedom that the children need to be happy as adults. However, there are those people who always loved children, ever since they were teenagers they have signed up to be babysitters and they can play with children for hours without getting tired. If did not give in to the desire that everybody absolutely must pass their individual genes on, we could go together like uncles, aunts, godfather and godmother and support parents who peacefully and lovingly can raise the next generation. In this way we can also give our earth, nature and animals some breathing room – the overpopulation can be alleviated. Today we have the technical resources to take care of an aging population, especially if we are not constantly becoming more and more taking part of what the earth can produce.
If several of your best friends have kids and you do not really feel a strong desire for many years of changing diapers, lack of sleep, interrupting the career, forced to turn down trips and parties, stay home alone, etc. – so maybe you can ignore the template and try being the world’s best godfather or godmother instead? Babysit and take the kids on a ski trip when they become older. Perhaps also support with money. If we zoom out from the little egoistic perspective and remember what I said in the beginning about the sound and logical thinking, it becomes quite obvious.
But who knows, maybe you are the perfect mother or father. You have always longed for children, not for your own sake, and especially not because your friends have children, but because you have so much patience and love to give so you do not know what to make of it otherwise. Above all, you get confirmed by others who know you well and are honest with yourself, that you would be a good parent. It is not your own view of your skills that is important, for we are good at manipulating. No it’s the outside world that can see if you are the right person to give birth to the next generation of children in this world. If you are it is the time to start preparing to give your children the best possible start in life. Now we start entering a part that may sound extreme, but it is not just theory. I know several people who did this and I have also met two children who had the benefit to grow up with such parents. Those children were by far more confident and happier than ordinary children.
Parenthood must be a deeply conscious decision
We assume that the mother and father have practiced 3rd stage relationship for several years. Thus, they are absolutely honest with each other, they have worked with their selfish patterns, they give each other love without conditions of behavior, conflicts are of short duration and results in them understand each other better and they grow as people. Furthermore, they are happy in themselves and with each other, they do not get children like some do because they hope children will make them happier or save the relationship. If they have not already done a so called Primal Therapy is high time for this.
In my tantric school one can do a one-week intensive course and there are many other places that offer this. During this week, which is not comfortable, we get to go back and see how our own mother and father unconsciously affected us. It has occurred to such a degree that men unconsciously project their mother’s characteristics in the women they meet and that women unconsciously see their father in the men they are dating. When we go to the bottom with our first relationships we will also get in touch with the hatred that basically everyone has for their parents. Buried deep down. To face this hatred is a necessary if it is not to control our behavior and it is also a prerequisite for genuine unconditional love. The love for our parents is there, underneath the garbage. I have met many parents who, after a primal in shock have realized how many of their own parents’ dysfunctional behaviors they pass on to their children. They say for example; “Oh my God what have I done? Luckily I saw it now, I just hope my children can forgive me. What awakening, I will never raise them in the same way again.” Being disappointed in your child is insane. It is you who have created the one you are disappointed in. All parents should enroll in Primal therapy, preferably yesterday.
Furthermore, it is smart to sign a contract about what the parents expect of each other and what they can promise their future children. One may want to travel or work a lot. The others may want to be home more. How do we make money? We are all different and there’s no reason to follow any template for how we shall live our lives. It is better that all the dreams and wishes come up before the kids are born. To have children is perhaps the most life changing decisions a person can take in life and you are tied to your partner at the time for the rest of your life. It is not wise to not make deep research beforehand and write a clear contract. Don’t assume that a child is happier when both parents take turns according to a principle of equality, particularly if both feel that it is a compromise. Certainly, a child have the right to both a mother and a father, but it is also important that the parents do not lose their freedom. “The leg-iron”, like a friend of mine jokingly calls her baby. There are many others around which at times can act as loving role models. If there is no such support from friends or grandparents, you should once again consider whether you are a suitable parent. This also applies if you have financial difficulties to give your children a stable upbringing. A person who has difficulty sorting out his/her own life and relationships, will obviously not be able to give their children everything that a child needs. This may hurt to hear and understand, but it is not just about what I want.
Give birth to children through a healthy sex life
Warning, now this will become more “fuzzy”. Most of what I describe two of my teachers have told me, from their own experience. If something seems too weird don’t get stuck with it, it took some time before I bought in to parts of this.
In addition to the greed around having children, there is also a greed in how we have sex with each other. “I need sex”, it is even a matter for negotiation in many relationships. Tantric sex where the man does not ejaculate and the woman don’t come on her clitoris gives a whole new sex life. You can read more about tantric sex elsewhere in the blog, but I want to highlight some benefits that are relevant here. A man who does not ejaculate does not have the same greed around sex. He will not just empty his seed in a girl, but be empathetic and have a more relaxed attitude to sex with deeper balance and control. The woman on her part avoids the corresponding orgasm, the one leading to pumping and contractions in the vagina. Instead, the couple enjoy Tantric orgasms together where they make love deeply for hours, sometimes with no idea of time and space. The woman has learned to get womb orgasms and have no pain to speak of in the vagina. The sexual energy is the strongest we have and it is also the one bring life forward. It seems healthy to use this energy in a better way than to, day by day – year after year eject it in a five-second orgasm, especially when planning to create life with it.
Parents prepare by purifying their bodies of toxins they stuffed into themselves over the years. I know a couple who did a 18-day treatment with sauna every day and rawfood. It may sound a bit extreme for some, and perhaps not as many days are needed, but it seems more important to be clean and physically healthy before conception compared to buying the most expensive baby stroller model a year later. When the couple make love, they try to do it in satori, so that nature itself guides the event. They love each other and merge. By pressing on the prostate, sperm slowly slip out through the penis instead of through the spasmic pumping movements. This can also be experienced as an orgasm, I myself have been experiencing such that last for minutes. The egg is fertilized and the first cell multiply in an environment where the mother and father are in heaven together. A single cell contains 100 000 trillions of atoms (interestingly about as many as there are cells in a human). It is an extremely complicated structure having a life of itself. I assume it is likely that the first cell is feeling better in a conception as described above, compared with a conception when drunk man is coming with a spasm-orgasm in a drunk woman after ten minutes of sex the night after a house party. My teacher used to say that no one knows if there is a God up there. But if there is something bigger, we can call it nature or the universe flow, then it is not unlikely that this greater force would reward a beautiful fertilization that takes place in harmony with nature.
Another type of nascency
That mothers should take care of themselves during pregnancy, there is broad agreement on, so I thought I would not put much effort into this. It is obvious that everything happening to the mother, including the emotions she feels, will affect the fetus in one way or another. Stress and anxiety is probably as bad as drinking alcohol or eating artificial food. As birth is approaching, there is a way to give birth to children that is not so common today. We can begin by trying to put ourselves in the child’s point of view. It is safe in the womb of its mother. It is quiet, dark, 37C degrees warm and weightless in water. How about trying to make the birth environment as similar as possible?
A tantric woman is de-armorerad and can get a womb orgasm will giving birth to children, with significantly less pain compared to other women. This is obvious for those who have experienced pressing on the cervix of an ordinary woman and hearing her hysterical screams of pain, compared to pressing at the same place inside the vagina of a tantric woman and see her open up in pleasure. Because there will not be the same unmanageable pain at birth, there is no need for the mother drugging herself and thus drugging the child with pain relief. She can be sober, just as nature, of course, meant it to be. For the small pristine organism that is on the way out, it is preferable that the first contact with the new world is not while being drugged. There seems to be some idea that it does not matter for your baby what is happening at birth, because they still do not remember. It is among the dumbest thing I have heard. For instance, there are many who through hypnosis can remember their birth and even though we can not imagine and shape verbal memories, it is obvious that a baby feels pain. The pain can not go anywhere else than straight into the nervous system that is affected for life. Science agree that we are largely formed during our first three years of life, although we do not remember anything from that time.
The baby is pressing, the woman’s womb opens up and because the nerves that are stimulated at birth are the same as the ones stimulated during sex, the tantric woman opens in an orgasm when she gives birth. The child is brought to the world sober and clean, through his mother’s orgasmic vagina down into body temperature water in a dark and tranquil room. Directly the child is brought up to the mother to hold the little miracle and the umbilical cord is left unspoiled. And why not have a few loved ones around who sings beautifully and holding lighted candles. Hallelujah! 🙂
Yes, it’s almost like one become religious oneself… But seriously. This sure sounds better than being drugged, getting your head tightly squeezed through a too narrow birth canal, accompanied by your mother’s hysterical screams of pain. When you then look out there is light instead of dark, cold air instead of hot water and perhaps a stressful environment in an industrial streamlined hospital. As if this was not enough, the umbilical cord is usually cut directly in front of you, your only known life-giving channel. Welcome to Hell!
Recently a study was made at Uppsala University in Sweden, where they followed up on 263 children in which cases they waited three minutes to cut the umbilical cord instead of doing it directly. It turned out that these children at the age of four showed significantly better motor activity and social skills compared to children who lost their umbilical cord immediately. THREE minutes and it significantly affects the motor activity and social skills, among the most important qualities of a human being! And people believe that the way of birth does not matter. Nature is not stupid, it’s just to look around to see that everything works in perfect harmony. It is only us humans who have lost touch with the natural flow. It was probably not nature’s intention that we should have institutions where drugged mothers experience their life’s worst horror and pain, when they give birth to the next generation into the world. To take this for granted is like believing that the earth is flat, but almost all did so in the past. Time for some development maybe. For those interested there are more movements than my tantric school studying orgasmic births, see for instance orgasmicbirth.com.
5 Orgasmic birth (double-click on the film for full screen):
6 Foster free, natural and happy children
Young children absorb all the negative energies
A child is completely open, like a blank page ready to be filled with whatever parents and others provide. Previously, I was more unaware of what was going on around me, mainly because I was so obsessed with my own thoughts. When I go downtown today, I see things that I did not previously notice. Everywhere are parents who sighs, jacks up, or complains about their children. It is not sane! Don’t they understand they are complaining about their own behaviors that children take after? Children absorb everything, even the slightest negative energy they will take up in their nervous system, and the younger they are the more affected they will be. I see a dad wrestling for fun with his four-year-old son and for a few seconds the intensity increases and suddenly the little guy doesn’t like it anymore. The father unconsciously acted out a repressed aggression, it was no longer just loving playing. It is so subtle signals, but children feel it.
My teacher, who sees this much more clearly than I do, uses to say that walking around in town is like being in a mental hospital without doctors… More and more I see what he means, and it is probably most obvious when I observe young children with their parents. More unconscious behavior is hard to find. Some adults go the other way and talk “baby language” with penetrating voice to children, as if they were stupid. Children are not stupid, they just have less information than we do. But they are much more natural. That’s why we’d better try not to control our children and imposing our own unnatural behaviors. Instead, we want them to be allowed to be as natural, spontaneous and wild as they want. Obviously I do not mean that it is wrong with sound limits like putting on a life jacket, prevent kids from dragging a dog by the tail or inform them that they will get holes in their teeth if they do not brush them. This may sound contradictory. Children should be given total freedom to be as natural as they want, but there is still some kind of framework for them. We are talking about the next generation of child raising, and some will become more clear later in the text. Right here, we can settle with that it is important that a child’s natural feelings including sexuality never is wrong, a parent must always meet those with patience and unconditional love. This does not apply when a child is making drama, pretending to test the limits. Then the parent can instead lovingly but firmly say no. Common sense is important, you get the point.
A child grows up and believes the world is all good
We are not perfect and it is of course impossible to do exactly everything right when raising children. But we can try. I will continue the Hallelujah-story with the child above who was born during a womb orgasm. Again I want to emphasize that this is not science fiction, I have met children and parents who did this – even if those parents of course aren’t absolutely perfect.
The child has therefore come to the world through the mother’s heavenly orgasm, unlike almost all of us who were born through a trauma. A peaceful and fully open little nervous system is resting in her mother’s arms. The first six months, the child will have skin contact basically at all times, and sleeping in the parents’ bed (a mother never rolls over on her child, given that she is sober). Primarily skin contact with the mother, but also with the father and other relatives who can manage to be calm so that the baby’s nervous system feels secure. Ideally, the grown ups have the ability to be in satori most of the time to give the baby the safest and most loving imprint possible, but that may be too challenging for the current generation – hopefully our children can manage. The parents have support from others, even financially if necessary, so that they can devote themselves fully to providing safety to their baby.
After the first six months, the child begins to move and discover the world more. Then begins a phase when the main task for parents and others around the baby is to ensure that the child does not encounter physical damage. Otherwise, the kid gets to do whatever she (ok it will be a girl, we baptize her to Sara) wants and exactly all the emotions are welcome. No feeling is ever maid wrong and certainly not bribed into silence with ice cream or candy. Sure there are small children who test limits and play sad because they do not get their way. The question is where they have learned it? Such behavior, as well as rude speech should naturally not be rewarded, but partly that belongs to common sense and moreover it seems very rare in the children who received the opportunity to be natural. If Sara only meets stable people that encourages natural behavior, she will be convinced that the world is good. Goodness is the only thing she has encountered. In addition, she will be naturally happy because there is no reason not to be. She hurts her toe and she can cry out with someone, but it goes away quickly.
Sara will thus differ significantly from normal children today. Firstly she will feel a lot more, because she did not have to suppress her feelings because of pain, loneliness, lack of love and reprimands. A child who has been hurt will regularly do “stupid” things and constantly test the limits. Conscious parenting brings different children, who assume that the world is all good and they only have goodness within him. Everything is naturally not totally black or white. The children I have met with this upbringing are not absolutely perfect, but they are so easy that their parents can count the number of times they’ve been whining on one hand. A father shared the following story about his, at the time, 9-year-old son.
We sat on the airplane when I asked myself out loud if the drinks were on the way. “They are not here yet Dad,” my son said with a somewhat brusque tone. “That tone, I do not tolerate from anyone, not from you either,” I replied in a flash. It was noticeable that my son became sad and a little ashamed, he was not used to being reprimanded at all. I myself had some bad conscience, it was an unusual situation for us. After a few minutes, I asked him if we could figure out a way to handle similar situations in the future, so that we could work as a team rather than one lecturing the other. I suggested that we could have a code word. “Yes, Pancakes!”, exclaimed my son excited. Then we laughed together and were reunited. If a similar situation would arise again we just say, “OK, now there seems to be little pancakes on here.” So there will be no more drama and we continue to be close to each other.
I realize that the method is not revolutionary and that it could work on some of today’s kids, too, but it points out some important things. You want to treat your child as an equal, that you are a team. Then they learn to take responsibility. The father also told me that this was the exception that confirms the rule, he normally never needs to reprimand his son. Instead he and his wife educate their child. They give him all the necessary information and then he will make his own decisions. He likes to play computer games, he plays about an hour a day. But not once has it happened that he whined when parents ask him to stop and go to bed. “Ok mom,” he simply say and shut down the computer directly.
If you as a reader feel irritated or hung up on something in this text, I ask you to focus on the main messages. Maybe you’re a good mom or dad who is already doing most things right. But there is always more to learn. It is very important to always recognize children’s feelings, to have compassion for them and make them feel wanted. “I feel you honey”. You are always on the same side. Children are sexual from birth, all the nerves that can give you orgasms works also in a baby. Therefore, it feels good for the kids to play with their gender and also their anal. It is natural. Parents must therefore be careful to not in any way prevent their children to explore their own sexuality. Maybe they want to play mother, father, children, or doctor and patient with their peers. Adults, who feel uncomfortable due to these innocent sexual games, do best to stay away, so they do not force their own shame on to the children. What we want to achieve here is not only to make the world a little better. We want to get to a paradigm shift for humanity, a quantum leap for human consciousness. It is much easier to work proactively than trying to cure the disease when it erupted. Thus, it is much easier not to hurt the future children than to trying to heal all our wounds. Although, of course we have to try doing both.
To accomplish this requires, as some readers certainly understood, a suited environment. But take it easy, it need not be a collective like in the 70s where all are vegans and no one shaves under the arms. 😉 However, something is wrong in society when maternity and paternity parents are alone with their children all day long. It’s really a hand full to be alone with a child day after day. Partly, they want attention all the time and it is only you who can give it. In addition, anyone will get bored with the monotonous “dialogue”, and if you are bored it is more difficult to give warm love. Single parents dress their children and then goes around and pull the stroller in the park. A very common sight today which many take for granted, but think back historically. It has never, in any single culture, looked that way.
The best would probably be a small community where several families help each other. I have a friend who grew up in a 3-family system in London. It was like one big herd he says, parents became more free to travel and have fun and it created safety and friendships between children. However, small children would of course do not live in an urban environment if they had the choice. For our children’s sake a community should be close to nature, a green residential area could work. We imagine four houses that are adjacent where parents like each other and have similar views on raising children. You know it is easier to be three adults and six children together in an open environment, than to be alone with a child who needs constant attention. The children take care of each other, it is usually enough with one adult supervising. If not all necessarily to have as many children, (remember our overpopulated earth) perhaps it would be 5-6 children in these houses with eight adults. On top of that we have grandparents, godfather and aunt who can help (given that they are people who feel good in themselves). Everything will be so much more flexible, very easy for a couple to go away for a week on mini-honeymoon. Kids can run back and forth between the houses and need never be lonely if they do not want to. Cooking and similair rotates, it is not much harder to cook spaghetti Bolognese (or corn mince if you so wish) to ten people compared to three – besides it is more fun. And quite comfortable when you have three consecutive days without cooking, especially if you have a job to do on the side. If you have the economy for it the four families could hire a full time nanny who the kids love. Even more time to do your Life´s Purpose (see My practice under About me) in the world.
Another great advantage of not isolating individual babies and small children with their families is that children get more role models. This reduces the risk that they are forced to copy their parents’ dysfunctional behaviors. There are other parents to watch too and the most appropriate behavior in any situation, likely the most natural, the children will take after. That is how evolution works. If all the adults in the community are open to constructive feedback, it could certainly be very interesting meals when everyone is gathered. As the children get older, upbringing might go the other way. We all know that it is from the children we are told the truth.
Kindergarten and school can be a disaster for an undamaged child
I have a friend who grew up in a small village in northern Sweden. She had a sheltered childhood with a father who adored his little daughter. This little girl loved to sing, dance and do shows for the family and friends who could not stop rejoice in her wonderful, loving smile. She grew up in a belief that people were nice. When she was seven years old, it was time to start school. This little cute girl looking forward to this as she heard about, she would get to meet a lot of new friends who were the same age as her. Open, happy and innocent, she went to school – unsuspecting. The problem was that there were other children who did not have the same loving upbringing. If you look at seven year olds, the difference is huge in how happy, relaxed and natural they are. Children who had a tough start in life can be terribly cruel. They can not bear to see anyone else so happy and pure and this girl was more or less constantly bullied for nine years. She has told me that it was more or less horror every morning when she came to school. Would she be locked up in the toilet, be spit on or just not be welcome to play with the others? The adults saw nothing or closed their eyes. The result is that she is today, 15 years later, still afraid of public speaking, and generally find it difficult to feel safe when relating to others. Despite many years of therapy and work on herself. This is not unusual, but rather common. My nephew is a happy little guy and he has been bitten in the cheek, ostracized and bullied in kindergarten already from the age of 3. You can tell when he was been a few weeks in kindergarten, compared with after a holiday. Kindergarten makes him more frustrated and less happy.
Kindergarten and schools are places where lightly wounded children meet average wounded and deeply wounded children. Neuroses in the form of dysfunctional behavior are propagated from wounded parents to their children on to other children. The less wounded are taught that the world is harder than they thought, and the more wounded get to see a glimpse of the joy their parents early pushed down their throats. Those who are feeling the worst are often the ones who bully and if you are the parent of a child who bullies you are responsible for it. But of course, children must get the opportunity to meet other’s and learn about the world they live in. A community should not become a totally protected wildlife park, although there are some similarities since undamaged children are also endangered.
Osho has said that life moves in cycles of seven years, so if we want to make our children a favor, they get to play free until they are seven years old. Traditionally, children also started school in Sweden at the age of seven. So did I for example and by then I did not know how to read and write. But our girl Sara that we followed since the orgasmic birth is not like other children, she is even more innocent than the other examples above. Putting her in a common Western school would be chaos for her sensitive, open and trusting little nervous system. Therefore, it is likely that the small community must have homeschooling, which is ok if there are enough children to spend time with. Parents can help each other to teach and there are also many private teachers in specialized subjects. The key here is to not force children into a template regarding what they should learn. I go into this in more detail in the long publication under Subject – Society, but briefly summarized can be said that children are very different and have an innate curiosity about life and the world. Certainly it is important to be able to read, write, perform certain exercises and speak English. This you can tell a child and give them the responsibility – every kid will embrace it. But only if you do not force them to learn hydrocarbon bonds in Chemistry, Asia’s rivers in Geography and cross stitch in needlework (still mandatory in Sweden). It is better the kids themselves choose what they want to do. They are likely to put more energy in to it overall and be really good at what they like. All economists know that it is good that each specialize in what they do best. This also applies to our increasingly integrated, global and capitalist world. We do not all have to come in the same intellectual and theoretical shape. Especially not because more and more functions are automated.
I realize that some may have objections to the argument above, for instance that it is important to function in the ordinary world too. The fact remains that the mental health of children and young people have never been as great as now. According to Statistics Sweden (SCB) three times as many children and youngsters are depressed today compared to in the 80’s and decision makers have no idea how to change it. It does not seem like more theory and grades at earlier age helps. Homeschooling is not a legal alternative in Sweden. The spirit of the legislation is good, but parents should reasonably be given a chance to prove themselves capable to take care of their own children. My ideas about the future school can be developed much more, but this is not the place for it. In this paper, we try to find out how we can nurture happier and more natural children and not dig ourselves too deeply into education politics. 😉
Again, this is not just theory. A child that I know of has got the full package of orgasmic birth plus free and secure childhood. In a Swedish normal school she wouldn’t have made it. When she was six years old, her parents decided to leave Sweden because the authorities there would otherwise take the child from the parents, placing her in public school and foster care. Therefore, they moved to a warm country where this girl got to hang out with other kids in the same situation and she was also studying whatever she thought was fun. Parents helped, teachers visited and the children had the option to go to the classes they most wanted to be in. Quite obvious which teachers were the best, getting the most kids in their classes. I met this girl when she was ten years old and she differed greatly from other children. On one hand, she was trilingual, so there did not seem to be a problem with the studies. But above all, I reacted to that she was so mature for her age, without in any way having lost the joyful and spontaneous childlike spirit. She was very clear with full confidence, did not demand attention, naturally socialized with everyone and was just as happy when she woke up in the morning, as when she went to bed in the evening. I had never met a child like her and the funny thing was that I almost felt like I looked up to her. Although she only reached to my belly.
The integration into the ordinary world must be done with care
Obviously, also the undamaged children have to be integrated with the normal world. In a way it is the whole point, to let them spread their happy, confident and loving light to the rest of us so we can see how a completely open human being works. However, it must be done with care. As the child grows in understanding, awareness and stability, she becomes less sensitive to meet the world’s pains and sorrows. Probably there is an age when she can see that the world is not as open, safe and good as she thought – but without her being personally harmed by it. A point when she is so confident in her own light that she continues to shine. (Actually, the exact opposite of when an ordinary child is so injured that the ego instead take over and begin to control life, which you can read more about in the long publication under Subject – Philosophy.) My guess is that this critical age is individual, but somewhere at 14-15 years old children seem to have reached an overview that can be enough. Preferably the integration is done step by step so that it does not come as a shock, but I believe in an absolute secure environment for the first three years and an almost equally protected environment until the age of seven. With “protected”, of course I don’t mean isolated, other children are important to play with. I mean protected from society, its wounded people and other children who did not have the privilege to get the help they need.
Utopia is just what we need
This might sound like a utopia for some, and that’s also the idea. People have always needed to believe in something. In today’s modern society, we have lost faith in the traditional God, and it has been replaced by the belief in disasters (just turn on the news), money, power and faith in Myself. Many philosophers have over the millennia emphasized the importance of striving towards a utopia, to have something beautiful to work toward. Please don’t make parallells with Hitler or anything. We should be beyond that after all we been through in this text and blog. But I can understand that what is described in this text sounds difficult, if not impossible to reach for many parents in today’s busy, economic growth chasing and environmentally destructive society. But why not take the steps we can in the right direction? All improvements are beneficial, as a wise woman once said to me.
We can not use fancy words or legislate our way to a more natural and happy humanity. Necessary, in addition to good intentions, is hard work with our own dysfunction and helping each other out. Personally I can not think of anything more important than contributing to nurture future healthy and natural children, free from all dysfunctional behaviors that I see down town. I do not mean that everything in society today is crap, obviously there are many beautiful encounters and fine relationships between children and adults. But the recent spiritual practice and interaction with teachers with greater awareness than myself, has opened my eyes. I see things I did not see before, and it is particularly painful to see children come to harm. That is why I have left lucrative jobs as a management consultant and CEO of real estate companies to work with what I’m passionate about. To support and enjoy watching small beautiful communities pop up over the earth and let them spread like a natural, free, joyous and loving virus in this world. It may be a utopia, but I am hopeful and do not really see any other option.